Tuesday, March 06, 2012

Things I've learned as a Standup Comedian Part 9

Some more advice for would-be comics. This time the brilliant Mike Gunn tells you what he has learned as a Standup comedian...

Stand-up comics can often become bitter.

It is impossible to find the clitoris

Black men are well hung and have a great sense of rhythm.

Most male openspot comics do not have a girlfriend.

If at any point in your act you say, "Strap in" - you are shit.

If any of your jokes finish with, "...so I stabbed him" - you are shit.

If you post on the Chortle forums more than twice a week - you are shit.

You can be as sexist as you like as long as you are not a man.

You can be as racist as you like as long as you are not white.

If you are white just the word black mentioned in any context will elicit a gasp from the audience and at least one person will accuse you of being racist.

Some routines are continually recycled / stolen and get laughs despite being total nonsense. E.g. Male comic struts about the stage bragging about not giving oral sex, often described as, “Not going down town, because it’s nasty”.

They do not seem to realise that what they are actually saying is "I’m a male chauvinist pig. I’m sexually repressed. I’m boring in bed. I’m so unaware I actually think it is cool to brag about this."

Comics feel strongly about other acts stealing their material but no one else could care less.

If you are good at accents or face pulling you can get away with appallingly bad material.

If you are famous you can get away with appallingly bad material

If you are young and good looking and have an attitude you can get away with no material.

Shouting can make week material seem better.

Stand-up comics can often become bitter.

If a Stand-up is on stage and all the other acts come out of the dressing room to watch. They are dying.

For most audiences no joke is ever going to be funnier than seeing a fat man dancing.

Stand-up comics can often become bitter.

Most men secretly think they could do stand-up comedy

If you are in a car or dressing room with other more experienced comics do not continually talk about blowing the roof off or storming gigs. No one will care, no one will believe you but everyone will hate you.

If however you talk about a time when you died, we will be very interested; we will believe you and we will warm to you.

If you really want to make friends, talk in great detail about a headline act who you recently saw die.

When you die the audience decide that they hate you before you even open your mouth.

If you are horrible to a nervous new act, who is doing a try-out spot, they will remember it forever. I know this for a fact.

Routines that work very well in clubs can look terrible on TV.

Ever year ticket sales rise at the Edinburgh festival but no one makes any money, apparently.

Technical staff will make you feel like you are patronising them for explaining in detail when to play your simple walk on / sound cue, but will then screw it up completely.

Technical staff will be dressed in black, have a ponytail and be eating something from a plastic box.

It is impossible to drive any where in the UK with out getting stuck at road works.

It takes much longer than usual to drive anywhere on a Friday.

Train fares are ridiculously expensive and morons have devised the fair structures. It is often less expensive to travel 1st class than standard class.

Train coaches will either be extremely hot or freezing.

Stand-up comics can often become bitter.

And its all true! You can read more advice from other comedians here: JoCaulfield.com

Want to know more about Mike Gunn? Check out www.Mikegunn.com

Don't want to know more about Mike Gunn? Don't check out his website

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