Okay, I know I'm totally biased but I firmly believe the people who follow me* on Twitter are also the funniest people on Twitter.
They genuinely make me laugh. They're like the ultimate hecklers.
I sent out this tweet "Leave your reasons here for NOT going to see Jo Caulfield tonight at the Journal Tyne Theatre, Newcastle"... within a couple of hours I got the following replies:
@therealethereal: My Mum said 'don't go further than the shops, don't cross any roads & don't talk to strangers'.
@Scriblit: My OCD's playing up. My OCD's playing up. My OCD's playing up. Red Yellow Blue 12345. My OCD's Playing up.
@Splottdad: My ex is from Wallsend, and they still have a contract out on me . . .
@BaldyMemike: UN resolution only mentions Libya. Doesn't give me the right to take unilateral action to come to your show.
@MerseyMal: I'm rearranging my books in ISBN order.
@mike_fordham: I'm unable to leave the house as I've been electronically tagged until June.
@simongoldsays: I've blocked out tonight to write a letter to my favourite detergent company to tell them how much I like their product.
@kardinal69 : sorry cannot go to see your show, it's the child’s bath night, I'm staying in and washing my heir.
@Gargarin: I'm washing my hare.
@bambaoap: I hear you're funny and I don't like to laugh!
@jabber_taff: there's going to be a frost tonight and my cap sleeve t shirt is in the wash.
@pollsstar: ordinarily we’d walk the 100s of miles to see you, but we're seeing Sir Derek Jacobi tonight, giving his Lear: v, v, upset.
@MerseyMal: I have an intimacy phobia so I need to pay £50 for a seat half-a-mile away from the stage.
@Splottdad: I'm waiting for the boat to come in with Jack Ford (you need to be old to get that one!)
@stuartlemon: simply can't be arsed.
@bradleyc27: Cant come because I'm going to see Simon Evans at St Albans.
@laurastevie: I have to stand at a photocopier till 10pm tonight.
@lizzieg999: Afraid my pacemaker would interfere with your sound system.
@Olaindeach: If I start swimming, it'd take me till tomorrow evening to reach the Tyneside shore. More likely I'd drown in North Sea.
@DaiGoch: I was going, but I realised that I'd confused you for Lucy Porter (ducks).
@sandy_db: because Sunday is my "do everything naked day" so am worried about taking the audiences attention from your performance?!
@spankyrogers: I was on my way to see you when i was abducted and anal probed by aliens, illegal aliens, not space ones.
@mr_g_marsh: would come but possessed by ghost of Michael Jackson & have to get down with the kids and dispense Jesus Juice. *Grabs crotch*
@DJBigAndy: I live in Romford, Essex; have a heart condition, a 3 year old and sod all money, that's why I won't be going!
@fortuneightuk: I have imposed a no fly zone over my house and its my turn with water pistol.
@krystalsayers: I have no money...
@tinotom: The dog ate my bus pass.
@JulianMHall: I'm not coming to your gig because the voices told me to stay home and clean the guns.. but if you REALLY want me to *g*
@Dysfunkunk: I’ve got a session booked in with a Razzle I found in a bush on the way home from Primark.
@snafu_john: I'm not coming to your show so I can't collect my 'fantastic prize'... not if it's just another effing speedboat.
@charlotesayers: I won't be going because I’ll be reading your RT tweet's about reasons about not going... (:
@dave2702: The court forbid me of coming within 700 yards of you.
@UK_Muso: Dear Jo. Paul can't come to your gig becauase he's not feeling well - Regards, Paul's Mum.
@dvo10: I'm not leaving the house until I know for certain I won't hear Chris Moyles somewhere.
@jojohedgehog: Little chef are doing full English breakfasts this evening, a not to be missed event I'm afraid.
@ianscott1866: I just don't do commitment.
@SonOfGav: I might be meeting Rick Ashley.
@KymriskaDraken: I can't attend as I am stuck in Sweden, and Midsomer Murders is on tonight.
@WillPurry: I couldn't have come to your gig because I was giving the police surgeon my best 7 times tables.
@jaymzf: I wouldn't enter a mundane Twitter competition to win a prize...
@mrenaut: I laughed at something a woman said as recently as last week, it just seems a bit too soon to risk doing it again.
@rnmlowe: Sorry miss but I'm not but I will be wearing sack cloth and walking on hit coals as a punishment.
@Liam_Cumbers: My dog ate all my money so i won't be able to make it .
@DaiGoch: I've a note from my mum excusing me, I've got period pains (yes one lad really did try that in school).
I picked @UK_Muso: as the winner with "Dear Jo. Paul can't come to your gig becauase he's not feeling well - Regards, Paul's Mum." He won a CD. Which I promise I will post today!
Special mentions also go to these 4 for sending questions that made me laugh:
@markandthezebra: When you are on the panel on HIGNFY, is it because someone hasn't turned up??
@Jas: When will I be able to pirate your material on DVD?
@Olaindeach: I am not a pleasant person, if I go down somebody else has to go down as well, any ideas?
@Havocman: What's your favourite part of a horse?
* I really hate that term 'people who follow me' and people being called 'Followers' - I am not that deluded.
I wish there was another term we could use... how about 'Cult Members'?