Sunday, April 17, 2011

The Comedy Store, Mumbai

Onstage at The Comedy Store, Mumbai...
Humidity affects my hair.

No idea what I'm pointing at...
...or what I'm talking about.

Lovely club. Friendly people. A wonderful week.

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

Heckling On Twitter...

Okay, I know I'm totally biased but I firmly believe the people who follow me* on Twitter are also the funniest people on Twitter.

They genuinely make me laugh. They're like the ultimate hecklers.

I sent out this tweet "Leave your reasons here for NOT going to see Jo Caulfield tonight at the Journal Tyne Theatre, Newcastle"... within a couple of hours I got the following replies:

@therealethereal: My Mum said 'don't go further than the shops, don't cross any roads & don't talk to strangers'.

@Scriblit: My OCD's playing up. My OCD's playing up. My OCD's playing up. Red Yellow Blue 12345. My OCD's Playing up.

@Splottdad: My ex is from Wallsend, and they still have a contract out on me . . .

@BaldyMemike: UN resolution only mentions Libya. Doesn't give me the right to take unilateral action to come to your show.

@MerseyMal: I'm rearranging my books in ISBN order.

@mike_fordham: I'm unable to leave the house as I've been electronically tagged until June.

@simongoldsays: I've blocked out tonight to write a letter to my favourite detergent company to tell them how much I like their product.

@kardinal69 : sorry cannot go to see your show, it's the child’s bath night, I'm staying in and washing my heir.

@Gargarin: I'm washing my hare.

@bambaoap: I hear you're funny and I don't like to laugh!

@jabber_taff: there's going to be a frost tonight and my cap sleeve t shirt is in the wash.

@pollsstar: ordinarily we’d walk the 100s of miles to see you, but we're seeing Sir Derek Jacobi tonight, giving his Lear: v, v, upset.

@MerseyMal: I have an intimacy phobia so I need to pay £50 for a seat half-a-mile away from the stage.

@Splottdad: I'm waiting for the boat to come in with Jack Ford (you need to be old to get that one!)

@stuartlemon: simply can't be arsed.

@bradleyc27: Cant come because I'm going to see Simon Evans at St Albans.

@laurastevie: I have to stand at a photocopier till 10pm tonight.

@lizzieg999: Afraid my pacemaker would interfere with your sound system.

@Olaindeach: If I start swimming, it'd take me till tomorrow evening to reach the Tyneside shore. More likely I'd drown in North Sea.

@DaiGoch: I was going, but I realised that I'd confused you for Lucy Porter (ducks).

@sandy_db: because Sunday is my "do everything naked day" so am worried about taking the audiences attention from your performance?!

@spankyrogers: I was on my way to see you when i was abducted and anal probed by aliens, illegal aliens, not space ones.

@mr_g_marsh: would come but possessed by ghost of Michael Jackson & have to get down with the kids and dispense Jesus Juice. *Grabs crotch*

@DJBigAndy: I live in Romford, Essex; have a heart condition, a 3 year old and sod all money, that's why I won't be going!

@fortuneightuk: I have imposed a no fly zone over my house and its my turn with water pistol.

@krystalsayers: I have no money...

@tinotom: The dog ate my bus pass.

@JulianMHall: I'm not coming to your gig because the voices told me to stay home and clean the guns.. but if you REALLY want me to *g*

@Dysfunkunk: I’ve got a session booked in with a Razzle I found in a bush on the way home from Primark.

@snafu_john: I'm not coming to your show so I can't collect my 'fantastic prize'... not if it's just another effing speedboat.

@charlotesayers: I won't be going because I’ll be reading your RT tweet's about reasons about not going... (:

@dave2702: The court forbid me of coming within 700 yards of you.

@UK_Muso: Dear Jo. Paul can't come to your gig becauase he's not feeling well - Regards, Paul's Mum.

@dvo10: I'm not leaving the house until I know for certain I won't hear Chris Moyles somewhere.

@jojohedgehog: Little chef are doing full English breakfasts this evening, a not to be missed event I'm afraid.

@ianscott1866: I just don't do commitment.

@SonOfGav: I might be meeting Rick Ashley.

@KymriskaDraken: I can't attend as I am stuck in Sweden, and Midsomer Murders is on tonight.

@WillPurry: I couldn't have come to your gig because I was giving the police surgeon my best 7 times tables.

@jaymzf: I wouldn't enter a mundane Twitter competition to win a prize...

@mrenaut: I laughed at something a woman said as recently as last week, it just seems a bit too soon to risk doing it again.

@rnmlowe: Sorry miss but I'm not but I will be wearing sack cloth and walking on hit coals as a punishment.

@Liam_Cumbers: My dog ate all my money so i won't be able to make it .

@Bond007Girl: #reasonnottigotoseejo I live 4 hours drive away, have housework to do & no ticket.

@DaiGoch: I've a note from my mum excusing me, I've got period pains (yes one lad really did try that in school).

I picked @UK_Muso: as the winner with "Dear Jo. Paul can't come to your gig becauase he's not feeling well - Regards, Paul's Mum." He won a CD. Which I promise I will post today!

Special mentions also go to these 4 for sending questions that made me laugh:

@markandthezebra: When you are on the panel on HIGNFY, is it because someone hasn't turned up??

@Jas: When will I be able to pirate your material on DVD?

@Olaindeach: I am not a pleasant person, if I go down somebody else has to go down as well, any ideas?

@Havocman: What's your favourite part of a horse?

* I really hate that term 'people who follow me' and people being called 'Followers' - I am not that deluded.

I wish there was another term we could use... how about 'Cult Members'?