If I Was On Twitter (Part 1) ...

I always thought my uncle Alan was a timid man who wouldn’t say Boo to a goose ... until the day we visited a farmyard.

I heard an interesting statistic today ... “35% of all school kids have been bullied or threatened on line”. You know what that says to me? The other 65% of my emails aren’t being read.

I’ve got a new mobile phone tariff - I can call Australia for only 5p per minute ... which sounds good but by the time the pizza turns up it’s stone cold.

On the bus the other day I heard someone shout, “I’ve got room for one more on top” ... I thought, “I’ve not heard that on a bus for years – have they brought back conductors?” so I looked round and Russell Brand was sitting behind me.

When a relationship ends people say ‘ the magic’s gone’. Surely that’s a good thing? Because basically magic is deceiving people with tricks and that’s hardly the basis of a healthy relationship.

Sometimes to cheer myself up I’ll text ‘how was the Seychelles?’ to a random mobile phone number. You get a warm glow thinking there’s someone out there who suddenly thinks there life’s not as exciting as other peoples.

I use Friends Reunited to find out the addresses of people I went to school with… then I use Google Earth to see what kind of garden furniture they can afford. By the look of it I went to school with some right saddos.

The recession’s going to split up a lot of couples. Look at the house prices – If your partner’s parent’s house is only worth half as much as a year ago is it still really worth hanging around?

I’ve been looking round houses lately. I don’t want to buy anywhere but they’ve always got the heating on. Fake a bit of interest and they’ll offer you a coffee. And I’ve not bought toilet paper for a fortnight.

When my Grandmother died we sold her house and split the money. The first thing I did was buy a garden shed … well my Grandfather needed somewhere to sleep.

My tip for a first date: if he takes you to a restaurant - always choose a salad. Then if it goes badly you’ll still be able to squeeze out the toilet window.

Why Isn't This Funny?

I was cleaning out the PC again and I found another file of jokes that didn't work. Some were written for the radio show, some for TV, some I've tried live. But they all have one thing in common - nobody laughed at them. They were born and died to complete silence.

If anybody has any ideas how to salvage them - let me know:

Mylene Klass – is there anything that Mylene Klass doesn’t sell? I see her in ads for absolutely everything, absolutely everywhere. They do say that in London you’re never more than five feet away from a Mylene Klass

In London have Oyster travel cards – you get a card, you charge it up with credit and when you get on the bus you just touch it against a reader and it deducts the fare from it. It’s great, it means the driver doesn’t have to handle money … leaving him free to send text messages and masturbate … which I think is now part of the test in becoming a London bus driver.

Everyone I know watches ‘Desperate Housewives’, they’re not desperate, I know what desperate women look like, I’ve been to TK Maxx.

You know that section at the back of a book that tells you about the author? What do you can the person who writes that?

The French philosopher John Paul Satare famously said, “Hell is other people”… which is ironic because I’m sure that most people’s vision of Hell would be a French philosopher – or just a Frenchman in general.

If John Paul Satare had lived in London I think that quote would have become “Hell is the people who stand outside the tube stations, blocking all the pavements, while handing out free newspapers”.

Have you ever noticed the people who stand outside tube stations handing out free newspapers look like they’ve never read a newspaper in their life?

They’re cutting back on collecting our bins, but they’ve put the council tax up – how’s that work? I call it the Fiona Phillips effect – the more you want to get rid of a load of old shit, the more you end up paying to see it every day.

The value of my house has gone down, but my mortgage has gone up – how’s that work? I call it the Natasha Kaplinsky Channel 5 effect – it seemed like a good investment at the time, but now you’re stuck paying a fortune for something that’s doing fuck all to earn it.

I’ve not made a claim in over five years, yet they’ve put my car insurance up – how’s that possible? I think it would be fairer if Heather Mills worked for Churchill – you still get the old dog saying "Yes Yes Yes" but at least you know at the end of the day they just want your money.

Why are the cast of Glee typical American high school kids?
Because I want to shoot them with an M-16.

I’m going to boycott the Olympics, nothing to do with Tibet, I just don’t like fencing and dressage.

You can buy celebrity voices for your Sat Navs now – I downloaded Gareth Gates ... took three quarters of an hour to get off that roundabout.

You know that show “Look Good Naked”, I see they’re doing a celebrity version for Jodie Marsh … called “Put It Away, Love!”

And a TV show for women sick of lazy useless boyfriends … Can’t Cook, Won’t Clean, Then Fuck Off!

A lunchtime chat show direct from Crufts … “Loose Women Go Dogging”

A detective show set in the days of the Roman Empire … CSI Claudius.

My husband loves watching the darts on telly, loves it, he can watch it for hours. He tries to get me to watch – but if I wanted to watch an overweight middle aged man standing in a pub … I’d watch him

I just saw a picture of Princess Beatrice and the paper said she looked stunning – wow she’s ugly, I never thought there’d be the time you’d see a picture of the Royal Family and think “Actually Camilla doesn’t look that bad really.”



Must mention Matt Ross (very talented comedy writer) who worked with me on them.

Me in Central Park, New York with three Glasgow Rangers fans.