Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Even More Things I write On Twitter...

The Righteous Brothers, the Walker Brothers & the Blues Brothers weren’t really brothers – makes me look at MY brother in a while new light.

Got a cheap portable DVD player. Battery life is 2 hours. Battery recharge time is 2 hours. It took me 7 hours to watch Lord of The Rings.

OK so the Koran burning has been cancelled but are we still all burning Coleen Nolan's book? Or is it just me?

Former BB winner Nadia Almada was rushed to hospital after a failed suicide attempt. That really annoys me - people leaving jobs half done.

My husband likes J K Rowling. Not the books, he just has a thing for blonde billionaires.

Just read Queen guitar-player Brian May collects star wars memorabilia... So that’s TWO good reasons to hate him.

Confusion: I read Ernest Hemingway and wanted to become a writer. Then I read Dan Brown and I wanted to burn down EVERY library in Britain.

People are strange... Last night I saw a man f*cking a dog on You-Tube. Sorry did I say 'You-Tube'? I meant to say 'the London tube'.

My father’s just bought one of those combination fax-machine-shredders ... please feel free to write your own punchline.

Like mixing your perfumes? I'm wearing a dash of Katie Price and a smidgen of Victoria Beckham... I smell like a cheap whore who can’t sing.

I'm trying to wean my grandmother off her pain tablets. It's not that they're bad for her, but I can sell them to some kids on my street.

I like wine. All kinds of wine. I'm not what you'd call a connoisseur, more a borderline alcoholic.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away... but it might have more to do with the chronic underfunding of the NHS.

Worst excuses men use to break up: 1) Sorry but I can’t commit, 2) Sorry but I need more space, 3) Sorry but I’m f*cking your sister.

Tip: Holiday Inn pillows do NOT fit into Travelodge pillowcases. So, if you're going to steal - steal wisely.

When Granny died we sold her house & split the money. First thing I did was buy a garden shed - well my Granddad had to sleep somewhere!

I love that bit right at the end of ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ by Queen when they all stop and the record’s finished and something else comes on.

I think my husband has a secret fetish for older women. Yesterday I found a blow up doll in his cupboard… with not quite enough air in it.

Today I ended up waiting 6 hours for the gasman. In the end I just thought ‘Oh, to hell with it’ and put my clothes back on.

...and the Pope turned to the Bishop and said, “It must have been an immaculate conception ... she’s so ugly - nobody would have f*cked her”

X-Factor: if they keep letting these people win – there’ll be nobody left to work in Superdrug.

Last show tonight! My soundman Jerry is bringing his guitar and singing 'Cruel To Be Kind' at the end of the show. Come watch, laugh & sing.

Apparently Rohypnol obliterates your short-term memory. So remember and take a bottle with you if you go to the Aberdeen v Kilmarnock game.

My husband bought a new razor that has 4 blades for a closer shave. So now he has 4 big cuts on his face instead of 1.

Tonight I recommend: Jo Caulfield at The Stand Comedy Club, then Jo Caulfield at Lord Bodos bar, then Jo Caulfield stumbling home.

My breasts are a bit tender because I had them examined by a doctor. Well, he said he was a doctor but the lift was so crowded who can tell?

My local Pizza Hut is the worst in the world. They have a policy, 'if your pizza isn't there in 45 mins... it's probably not coming.'

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