Wednesday, October 20, 2010

My Comedy Hero: Joan Rivers

I wrote this for The List magazine (Issue 669) 21st October 2010

My Comedy Hero: Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers is like the Rolling Stones: You might not like what she’s turned into but her early work will blow your mind.

She was the first female comic I really connected with. I was never into that gentle whimsical Joyce Grenfell crap, Joan Rivers made me laugh LOUD and HARD.

“A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.”

There were no female Stand-Ups before Joan Rivers: she was the original, the rest were comedy actresses. Think about it: this little Jewish girl entered into a totally male dominated business with no roadmap. She was a trailblazer.

“I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.”

I’ve read her autobiography* countless times. Her career went up, her career went down, but she never gave in, she kept on working. Again, take a minute to think about that: Joan River’s is 77 and she’s still writing jokes, still working. My Grandparents are also in their 70‘s - they spend most days just trying to find their glasses.

“I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”

Rivers should be spoken about in the same way as Richard Pryor or Lenny Bruce. If Rivers was a man she’d be MUCH MORE RESPECTED - she’d wouldn’t be any funnier - but she’d be more respected. That speaks volumes about Gender in Western Society.

“It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who gets tied up first.”

And finally, if you want to do the joke about her looking like something from “World of Leather” - don’t bother. She beat you to it:

“I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.”

*Joan Rivers autobiography 'Enter Talking'

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Even More Things I write On Twitter...

The Righteous Brothers, the Walker Brothers & the Blues Brothers weren’t really brothers – makes me look at MY brother in a while new light.

Got a cheap portable DVD player. Battery life is 2 hours. Battery recharge time is 2 hours. It took me 7 hours to watch Lord of The Rings.

OK so the Koran burning has been cancelled but are we still all burning Coleen Nolan's book? Or is it just me?

Former BB winner Nadia Almada was rushed to hospital after a failed suicide attempt. That really annoys me - people leaving jobs half done.

My husband likes J K Rowling. Not the books, he just has a thing for blonde billionaires.

Just read Queen guitar-player Brian May collects star wars memorabilia... So that’s TWO good reasons to hate him.

Confusion: I read Ernest Hemingway and wanted to become a writer. Then I read Dan Brown and I wanted to burn down EVERY library in Britain.

People are strange... Last night I saw a man f*cking a dog on You-Tube. Sorry did I say 'You-Tube'? I meant to say 'the London tube'.

My father’s just bought one of those combination fax-machine-shredders ... please feel free to write your own punchline.

Like mixing your perfumes? I'm wearing a dash of Katie Price and a smidgen of Victoria Beckham... I smell like a cheap whore who can’t sing.

I'm trying to wean my grandmother off her pain tablets. It's not that they're bad for her, but I can sell them to some kids on my street.

I like wine. All kinds of wine. I'm not what you'd call a connoisseur, more a borderline alcoholic.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away... but it might have more to do with the chronic underfunding of the NHS.

Worst excuses men use to break up: 1) Sorry but I can’t commit, 2) Sorry but I need more space, 3) Sorry but I’m f*cking your sister.

Tip: Holiday Inn pillows do NOT fit into Travelodge pillowcases. So, if you're going to steal - steal wisely.

When Granny died we sold her house & split the money. First thing I did was buy a garden shed - well my Granddad had to sleep somewhere!

I love that bit right at the end of ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ by Queen when they all stop and the record’s finished and something else comes on.

I think my husband has a secret fetish for older women. Yesterday I found a blow up doll in his cupboard… with not quite enough air in it.

Today I ended up waiting 6 hours for the gasman. In the end I just thought ‘Oh, to hell with it’ and put my clothes back on.

...and the Pope turned to the Bishop and said, “It must have been an immaculate conception ... she’s so ugly - nobody would have f*cked her”

X-Factor: if they keep letting these people win – there’ll be nobody left to work in Superdrug.

Last show tonight! My soundman Jerry is bringing his guitar and singing 'Cruel To Be Kind' at the end of the show. Come watch, laugh & sing.

Apparently Rohypnol obliterates your short-term memory. So remember and take a bottle with you if you go to the Aberdeen v Kilmarnock game.

My husband bought a new razor that has 4 blades for a closer shave. So now he has 4 big cuts on his face instead of 1.

Tonight I recommend: Jo Caulfield at The Stand Comedy Club, then Jo Caulfield at Lord Bodos bar, then Jo Caulfield stumbling home.

My breasts are a bit tender because I had them examined by a doctor. Well, he said he was a doctor but the lift was so crowded who can tell?

My local Pizza Hut is the worst in the world. They have a policy, 'if your pizza isn't there in 45 mins... it's probably not coming.'

Friday, October 01, 2010

Scotty from The New Town Bar...

Very sad to hear about the passing of Scotty from the New Town Bar...
a very, very lovely man.

I know he will be greatly missed.

Jo x