More Things I Write On Twitter...

Got another letter from my bank manager this morning. I don’t know why he bothers, I’ve told him a 100 times – I’m already married.

Brilliant show last night!! I give that audience 5 stars. I'd like to see them again next year. See how they've progressed.

Amazon recommendations: Customers who bought ‘My Story’ by Dannii Minogue, also purchased a length of strong rope and a wobbly chair.

Amazon recommendations: Customers who bought 'The 100 Cutest Kittens and Puppies', also bought 'Why Men Leave'.

Recent poll says Jordan is most 'useless' celeb in UK. When I say ‘recent’ I mean ‘today’, & when I saw ‘poll’ I mean ‘me & my friend Zoe’.

My friend Alison has had more boyfriends that hot dinners. She’s not a slut, she’s just anorexic.

Why are the cast of Glee typical American high school kids? Because I want to shoot them with an M-16.

Café at Pleasance Courtyard lunchtime special: A baguette, a cup of coffee, and the aroma of fresh urine = four pounds! (Still funny & true)

Good place to meet single men? A Father’s for Justice March. You know they’ve got a caring side and f*ck all to do at the weekend.

Why do the people who hand out free newspapers look like the kind of people who have never read a newspaper in their life?

I always videotape the X-Factor – so I can fast forward through all the adverts. And the singing. And the judges comments. And the credits.

After an argument my husband will always bring me a bunch of flowers – which is just one of the advantages of living nextdoor to a graveyard.

Went round friends new flat. She’s decorated it from charity shops & carboot sales – you should see it … it’s a f*cking mess!

I was in Afghanistan last month doing a show for our boys – when I say ‘our boys’ I’m presuming you also want to kill the blue-eyed Infidel?

Recent survey says Norwich is most unfriendly town in UK. When asked for a comment the Norwich tourist board said “Go and fuck yourself”

Remember when people used to applaud the pilot when the plane touched down safely? I do that when my mum parks the car. Pure relief.

London is strange choice of venue for the Olympics. Olympics combine the 2 things the average Londoner hates most – foreigners and exercise.

My mother’s addicted to scratch cards … every morning she buys 5 … and by lunchtime? – she’s eaten the lot.

Calum Best - living proof that alcohol causes defective sperm..

Sad but true: over half the mothers in Africa will lose a child to either famine, disease, or Angelina Jolie.