Saturday, September 18, 2010

Do You Need A Bag?

It really pisses me off when I’m in a shop and they ask, “Do you need a bag?”


Of course I need a bag! I’ve bought 2 boxes of cornflakes and a pint of milk! What do you think I’m going to do? Stick them up my arse and waddle home?


Use your head! Of course I need a bag!


Supermarkets are the worst. They try to play on your conscience – and they use that patronising voice: “Do you really need a bag? We’re trying to help save the environment”


How? By employing idiots? How’s that saving the Rain Forest?


It’s not right … I spend my money in their shop – I give them my money – and now they want to charge mefor a bag.


Ok here’s what I do …


I go in on a Saturday morning when they’re at their busiest – with a huge shopping list – I even ask my neighbours if I can pick up anything you them – so I get a huge pile of stuff – a mountain of groceries - then when they say “Do you need some bags?” – I say “No … No I don’t want any bags …


... But can you carry my shopping out to my car please?”

Friday, September 17, 2010

Got A Friend Staying With Me...

I’ve got an American friend staying with me right now.


I said if you’re ever in the UK come and stay – she thought I meant it!


But whenever people come and stay they always say the same thing, “Now don’t put yourself out. We’ll just do whatever you normally do – that’ll be fine” …


So last night - we sat in a dark room - drank a bottle of wine - and cried about how shit our comedy career is going.


Edinburgh In The Sun...

The Scots don't tell anyone about how nice the weather is in September!


Sunday, September 12, 2010

More Things I Write On Twitter...

Got another letter from my bank manager this morning. I don’t know why he bothers, I’ve told him a 100 times – I’m already married.


Brilliant show last night!! I give that audience 5 stars. I'd like to see them again next year. See how they've progressed.


Amazon recommendations: Customers who bought ‘My Story’ by Dannii Minogue, also purchased a length of strong rope and a wobbly chair.


Amazon recommendations: Customers who bought 'The 100 Cutest Kittens and Puppies', also bought 'Why Men Leave'.


Recent poll says Jordan is most 'useless' celeb in UK. When I say ‘recent’ I mean ‘today’, & when I saw ‘poll’ I mean ‘me & my friend Zoe’.


My friend Alison has had more boyfriends that hot dinners. She’s not a slut, she’s just anorexic.


Why are the cast of Glee typical American high school kids? Because I want to shoot them with an M-16.


Café at Pleasance Courtyard lunchtime special: A baguette, a cup of coffee, and the aroma of fresh urine = four pounds! (Still funny & true)


Good place to meet single men? A Father’s for Justice March. You know they’ve got a caring side and f*ck all to do at the weekend.


Why do the people who hand out free newspapers look like the kind of people who have never read a newspaper in their life?


I always videotape the X-Factor – so I can fast forward through all the adverts. And the singing. And the judges comments. And the credits.

After an argument my husband will always bring me a bunch of flowers – which is just one of the advantages of living nextdoor to a graveyard.

Went round friends new flat. She’s decorated it from charity shops & carboot sales – you should see it … it’s a f*cking mess!


I was in Afghanistan last month doing a show for our boys – when I say ‘our boys’ I’m presuming you also want to kill the blue-eyed Infidel?


Recent survey says Norwich is most unfriendly town in UK. When asked for a comment the Norwich tourist board said “Go and fuck yourself”


Remember when people used to applaud the pilot when the plane touched down safely? I do that when my mum parks the car. Pure relief.


London is strange choice of venue for the Olympics. Olympics combine the 2 things the average Londoner hates most – foreigners and exercise.


My mother’s addicted to scratch cards … every morning she buys 5 … and by lunchtime? – she’s eaten the lot.

Calum Best - living proof that alcohol causes defective sperm..


Sad but true: over half the mothers in Africa will lose a child to either famine, disease, or Angelina Jolie.