You know you’re in a bad hotel when:
Claims Direct hand out flyers in the foyer
People smuggle toiletries into the bathroom
The porter gives you a tip!
The pillows are shiny – for the wrong reasons
“As seen on tv” means “Holidays From Hell”
The spyhole on the door looks in!
The sheets are so gritty you exfoliate as you sleep
You don’t have to bother with a 7am wake up call, just wait for the fire alarm
The only thing left for you on the pillow when you arrive is someone else’s pubic hair
You’re in Dartford
You know you’re in the “New Money” Part of Town when:
Golden retrievers are compulsory
It’s a brand new estate – with new roads and landscaped gardens, but everyone drives a Range Rover!
The Big Issue seller takes credit cards
The Church becomes a Wi-Fi hotspot!
They think ‘Footballers Wives’ is a documentary
They have billboards advertising moisturiser for men! Where I live, the nearest a man gets to applying face cream is trying to suck his own cock!
You know you’re at a bad Motorway Service station when:
Gingsters refuse to supply it!
Even the smiley face sign outside the toilets is crying
The food gave the Churchill Dog distemper
It’s an AA meeting point – but not the car breakdown service!
Even serial killers won’t stop there for hitch-hikers
The countdown timer since when they last cleaned the toilets is a sun-dial
You actually wish you’d shat yourself back at junction 4!
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