I always thought my uncle Alan was a timid man who wouldn’t say Boo to a goose ... until the day we visited a farmyard.
I heard an interesting statistic today ... “35% of all school kids have been bullied or threatened on line”. You know what that says to me? The other 65% of my emails aren’t being read.
I’ve got a new mobile phone tariff - I can call Australia for only 5p per minute ... which sounds good but by the time the pizza turns up it’s stone cold.
On the bus the other day I heard someone shout, “I’ve got room for one more on top” ... I thought, “I’ve not heard that on a bus for years – have they brought back conductors?” so I looked round and Russell Brand was sitting behind me.
When a relationship ends people say ‘ the magic’s gone’. Surely that’s a good thing? Because basically magic is deceiving people with tricks and that’s hardly the basis of a healthy relationship.
Sometimes to cheer myself up I’ll text ‘how was the Seychelles?’ to a random mobile phone number. You get a warm glow thinking there’s someone out there who suddenly thinks there life’s not as exciting as other peoples.
I use Friends Reunited to find out the addresses of people I went to school with… then I use Google Earth to see what kind of garden furniture they can afford. By the look of it I went to school with some right saddos.
The recession’s going to split up a lot of couples. Look at the house prices – If your partner’s parent’s house is only worth half as much as a year ago is it still really worth hanging around?
I’ve been looking round houses lately. I don’t want to buy anywhere but they’ve always got the heating on. Fake a bit of interest and they’ll offer you a coffee. And I’ve not bought toilet paper for a fortnight.
When my Grandmother died we sold her house and split the money. The first thing I did was buy a garden shed … well my Grandfather needed somewhere to sleep.
My tip for a first date: if he takes you to a restaurant - always choose a salad. Then if it goes badly you’ll still be able to squeeze out the toilet window.