Saturday, May 22, 2010

If I Was On Twitter (Part 1) ...

I always thought my uncle Alan was a timid man who wouldn’t say Boo to a goose ... until the day we visited a farmyard.


I heard an interesting statistic today ... “35% of all school kids have been bullied or threatened on line”. You know what that says to me? The other 65% of my emails aren’t being read.

I’ve got a new mobile phone tariff - I can call Australia for only 5p per minute ... which sounds good but by the time the pizza turns up it’s stone cold.


On the bus the other day I heard someone shout, “I’ve got room for one more on top” ... I thought, “I’ve not heard that on a bus for years – have they brought back conductors?” so I looked round and Russell Brand was sitting behind me.


When a relationship ends people say ‘ the magic’s gone’. Surely that’s a good thing? Because basically magic is deceiving people with tricks and that’s hardly the basis of a healthy relationship.


Sometimes to cheer myself up I’ll text ‘how was the Seychelles?’ to a random mobile phone number. You get a warm glow thinking there’s someone out there who suddenly thinks there life’s not as exciting as other peoples.


I use Friends Reunited to find out the addresses of people I went to school with… then I use Google Earth to see what kind of garden furniture they can afford. By the look of it I went to school with some right saddos.


The recession’s going to split up a lot of couples. Look at the house prices – If your partner’s parent’s house is only worth half as much as a year ago is it still really worth hanging around?


I’ve been looking round houses lately. I don’t want to buy anywhere but they’ve always got the heating on. Fake a bit of interest and they’ll offer you a coffee. And I’ve not bought toilet paper for a fortnight.


When my Grandmother died we sold her house and split the money. The first thing I did was buy a garden shed … well my Grandfather needed somewhere to sleep.


My tip for a first date: if he takes you to a restaurant - always choose a salad. Then if it goes badly you’ll still be able to squeeze out the toilet window.



2 comments:

Neil said...

I quite like twitter, but most of the tweets are not as funny as your would be!

Thanks for meeting us in Exeter the other month, we have only just put the podcast up (you got bumped a month by Patrick Moore, sorry!) but you, and anyone for that matter, can listen here http://wordsfailmepodcast.blogspot.com/2010/05/words-fail-me-podcast-5-may-2010.html

Anonymous said...

And for this reason, you should be on Twitter!