Saturday, January 02, 2010

Marks Out Of 10 Please...

Seeing all the media Michael Jackson’s death has got, hopefully it might give Lily Allen’s PR team some ideas.

There can be few sounds more pleasing than a small child going, “Wheeee!” Unless you’re in a multi story car park and you only looked away for two seconds.

I thought I had a big red spot coming up on my nose – but luckily it turned out to be a snipers laser site. Whew. I thought I was in trouble there.

Every time I hear some little white kid with his trousers hanging halfway round his arse saying, “Back in the day” it reminds me of my Granddad with his trousers hanging halfway round his arse saying, “This used to all be fields…”

It’s a shame but Christmas seems to have lost all its magic for kids. Or maybe the kids are becoming too cynical.
Last month I said to my 5yr old niece, “You’ll soon be seeing the man who only works one day a year, he never shaves and he’s got a great big red nose. Do you know who I’m talking about?”
And she said, “Is it the man who sells the Big Issue?”

I had to get a birthday present for my neighbour.
She wants to take up website design so I tried to her a book but it’s difficult because they had Website Design For Idiots and they had Website Design For Dummies… but they didn’t have Website Design For Whores.
(This joke is funnier if you know my neighbour, trust me)

My husband said, “I’ve just bought this new watch. It’s shockproof, it’s waterproof, and it’s got a built in compass. What do you think?”
All I could think was – “What the fuck are you planning on doing this weekend?”

There’s a TV advert on at the moment for Marmite. The tag line is “You either love it or hate it”. But isn’t that a bit like … everything in the world?


Enforcer said...

re: Husband, if you here a ticking noise coming from your middrift, YOU!.

re: Marmite, I think you are forgetting apathy, but I can't be arsed to argue with you over it.

re: Snipers laser site, That wasn't a sniper, that was an extremeist terrorist trying to bring down a plane by blinding the pilot, the bad news,you were standing right in the way of his line of sight.

Andy said...

love them all Jo keep up the good work!!

Steve said...

Lily Allen - 7
Small Child - 6
Spot - 6
Granddad - 7
Big Issue - 5
Neighbour - 8 (I've got a friend like that... want to swap?)
Watch - 9
Marmite - 8

Jo Caulfield said...

Steve and Andy are right.

Enforcer is an idiot.

Steve Walker - Reports from the Centre of a Fuckwit Gravity Well said...

Loved the Michael Jackson celeb solution. Can I start a list. I went into hospital 2 days after MJ went Black or White (then Blue) and they gave me the Jackson Juice - it's fab - like tinkerbell going off in your head..... now, he did think he was Peter Pan.....