Thursday, January 21, 2010

The Secrets Of Comedy

The Times does a feature called "The Secrets of Comedy" - a comedian picks one word defining the secret of comedy, then a further 150+ arguing for that choice. This is what I wrote, think it'll be published this month or early February.


Comedy is misdirection: I went into PC World to buy some more memory. For my Grandad.
Comedy is truth: Hazel Blears does look like Ron Weasley’s mum.
Comedy is topical: Hazel who??
Comedy is surrealism: Boris Johnson is the Mayor of London.
Comedy holds up a mirror and shows the world as it really is: A Catholic Priest, a Jewish Rabbi and a Muslim Imam were trapped on a desert island … thereby making the world a safer place for the rest of us.
Comedy is anger: the walls in my flat are so thin you can hear the neighbours listening to me and my husband screaming at each other.
Comedy is never having to say you’re sorry. Didn’t mean to write that. Sorry.
Comedy can only be performed by men. According to female journalists.
Comedy is not Amanda Holden. Never was. Never will be.
Comedy is everything. Whatever you want. And a surprise ending. Rosebud.

Saturday, January 02, 2010

Marks Out Of 10 Please...

Seeing all the media Michael Jackson’s death has got, hopefully it might give Lily Allen’s PR team some ideas.

There can be few sounds more pleasing than a small child going, “Wheeee!” Unless you’re in a multi story car park and you only looked away for two seconds.

I thought I had a big red spot coming up on my nose – but luckily it turned out to be a snipers laser site. Whew. I thought I was in trouble there.

Every time I hear some little white kid with his trousers hanging halfway round his arse saying, “Back in the day” it reminds me of my Granddad with his trousers hanging halfway round his arse saying, “This used to all be fields…”

It’s a shame but Christmas seems to have lost all its magic for kids. Or maybe the kids are becoming too cynical.
Last month I said to my 5yr old niece, “You’ll soon be seeing the man who only works one day a year, he never shaves and he’s got a great big red nose. Do you know who I’m talking about?”
And she said, “Is it the man who sells the Big Issue?”

I had to get a birthday present for my neighbour.
She wants to take up website design so I tried to her a book but it’s difficult because they had Website Design For Idiots and they had Website Design For Dummies… but they didn’t have Website Design For Whores.
(This joke is funnier if you know my neighbour, trust me)

My husband said, “I’ve just bought this new watch. It’s shockproof, it’s waterproof, and it’s got a built in compass. What do you think?”
All I could think was – “What the fuck are you planning on doing this weekend?”

There’s a TV advert on at the moment for Marmite. The tag line is “You either love it or hate it”. But isn’t that a bit like … everything in the world?

Lines That Didn't Make The Radio Show

Just found some lines that didn't make it into the radio series - read them and guess why...

You know we’re in a recession when:

Sharon Osborne’s run out of hair dye

You spot Prince Charles on deal or no deal

Walkers bring out potato flavoured crisps

Easyjet start charging for lifejackets

Angelina Jolie stops adopting kids

4 poofs and a piano become 1 poof and a banjo

You know you’ve got no money when:

You visit your parents and still take your washing, and you’re 55

You get a ball of string and cotton wool buds to make your own tampons

You start going to church, just to get some wine and wafers

You go to the doctors just to nick the samples from the magazines

You have loyalty cards for Asda, Primark and Poundstretcher

Why do heavy metal fans dress like they do?
And why do rap fans dress like rappers?
Why do people dress like the music you like?
It's a problem for me because my mum likes Christina Augulera … And my dad likes Beyonce.

And whats this thing with kids hiking down their jeans and showing you their pants?
When I was a kid you’d only see my pants if you gave me a kitkat.
Don’t judge me, I know some girls who did it for a finger of fudge.