Friday, November 05, 2010

"Cruel To Be Kind" in Cornwall - 5 Sar Review.....

Did a show in Cornwall last night - and it was fantastic! Great audience, great venue...

"Comedy Queen Caulfield Captures Cornwall"
by Sheila Vanloo for remotegoat on 05/11/10

Being dubbed the funniest woman in Britain should be hard to live up to, but Jo Caulfield carried it off in style as The Cornwall hosted it's second events evening.
Jo immediately took advantage of the intimacy of the Acorns salon to build a fast rapport with the audience, sussing out those who liked to drink, highlighting the lady with the best breasts and even discovering how many women in the room had been flashed. Using her warmth and fast wit and by sharing her own domestic secrets, Jo elicited intimate personal details from the audience that quickly became comedy fodder.

Jo's observational comedy comes thick and fast in a constant stream of acerbic stories about life, the universe and everything - stories we can all relate to as she wrestles with the self-scanner in Tesco. Jo discusses irritating friends, negotiating with terrorists, celebrity perfumes, bespoke kitchens and a visit to HMV that culminates in having dinner with people she doesn't know. This amazingly funny lady sucks up the minutiae of everyday life spitting it back out with a bitchiness that her comedy idol, Joan Rivers, would be proud of. With a wicked smile and a sparkle in her eye, Jo's harsh comedy rantings lose their cruelty as she exposes her own foibles and failings alongside ours.

Laugh out loud funny from start to finish, Jo Caulfield scored a hit at The Cornwall; we can only hope that she returns with more wit and wisdom in the near future.

The next event at The Cornwall Hotel & Spa is on Thursday 2nd December when Scary Little Girls bring us Gothic Christmas Stories. At only £15 per ticket, early booking is essential. Further details can be found at

... and a great review! Why not read it again here

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

My Comedy Hero: Joan Rivers

I wrote this for The List magazine (Issue 669) 21st October 2010

My Comedy Hero: Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers is like the Rolling Stones: You might not like what she’s turned into but her early work will blow your mind.

She was the first female comic I really connected with. I was never into that gentle whimsical Joyce Grenfell crap, Joan Rivers made me laugh LOUD and HARD.

“A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.”

There were no female Stand-Ups before Joan Rivers: she was the original, the rest were comedy actresses. Think about it: this little Jewish girl entered into a totally male dominated business with no roadmap. She was a trailblazer.

“I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.”

I’ve read her autobiography* countless times. Her career went up, her career went down, but she never gave in, she kept on working. Again, take a minute to think about that: Joan River’s is 77 and she’s still writing jokes, still working. My Grandparents are also in their 70‘s - they spend most days just trying to find their glasses.

“I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”

Rivers should be spoken about in the same way as Richard Pryor or Lenny Bruce. If Rivers was a man she’d be MUCH MORE RESPECTED - she’d wouldn’t be any funnier - but she’d be more respected. That speaks volumes about Gender in Western Society.

“It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who gets tied up first.”

And finally, if you want to do the joke about her looking like something from “World of Leather” - don’t bother. She beat you to it:

“I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.”

*Joan Rivers autobiography 'Enter Talking'

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Even More Things I write On Twitter...

The Righteous Brothers, the Walker Brothers & the Blues Brothers weren’t really brothers – makes me look at MY brother in a while new light.

Got a cheap portable DVD player. Battery life is 2 hours. Battery recharge time is 2 hours. It took me 7 hours to watch Lord of The Rings.

OK so the Koran burning has been cancelled but are we still all burning Coleen Nolan's book? Or is it just me?

Former BB winner Nadia Almada was rushed to hospital after a failed suicide attempt. That really annoys me - people leaving jobs half done.

My husband likes J K Rowling. Not the books, he just has a thing for blonde billionaires.

Just read Queen guitar-player Brian May collects star wars memorabilia... So that’s TWO good reasons to hate him.

Confusion: I read Ernest Hemingway and wanted to become a writer. Then I read Dan Brown and I wanted to burn down EVERY library in Britain.

People are strange... Last night I saw a man f*cking a dog on You-Tube. Sorry did I say 'You-Tube'? I meant to say 'the London tube'.

My father’s just bought one of those combination fax-machine-shredders ... please feel free to write your own punchline.

Like mixing your perfumes? I'm wearing a dash of Katie Price and a smidgen of Victoria Beckham... I smell like a cheap whore who can’t sing.

I'm trying to wean my grandmother off her pain tablets. It's not that they're bad for her, but I can sell them to some kids on my street.

I like wine. All kinds of wine. I'm not what you'd call a connoisseur, more a borderline alcoholic.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away... but it might have more to do with the chronic underfunding of the NHS.

Worst excuses men use to break up: 1) Sorry but I can’t commit, 2) Sorry but I need more space, 3) Sorry but I’m f*cking your sister.

Tip: Holiday Inn pillows do NOT fit into Travelodge pillowcases. So, if you're going to steal - steal wisely.

When Granny died we sold her house & split the money. First thing I did was buy a garden shed - well my Granddad had to sleep somewhere!

I love that bit right at the end of ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ by Queen when they all stop and the record’s finished and something else comes on.

I think my husband has a secret fetish for older women. Yesterday I found a blow up doll in his cupboard… with not quite enough air in it.

Today I ended up waiting 6 hours for the gasman. In the end I just thought ‘Oh, to hell with it’ and put my clothes back on.

...and the Pope turned to the Bishop and said, “It must have been an immaculate conception ... she’s so ugly - nobody would have f*cked her”

X-Factor: if they keep letting these people win – there’ll be nobody left to work in Superdrug.

Last show tonight! My soundman Jerry is bringing his guitar and singing 'Cruel To Be Kind' at the end of the show. Come watch, laugh & sing.

Apparently Rohypnol obliterates your short-term memory. So remember and take a bottle with you if you go to the Aberdeen v Kilmarnock game.

My husband bought a new razor that has 4 blades for a closer shave. So now he has 4 big cuts on his face instead of 1.

Tonight I recommend: Jo Caulfield at The Stand Comedy Club, then Jo Caulfield at Lord Bodos bar, then Jo Caulfield stumbling home.

My breasts are a bit tender because I had them examined by a doctor. Well, he said he was a doctor but the lift was so crowded who can tell?

My local Pizza Hut is the worst in the world. They have a policy, 'if your pizza isn't there in 45 mins... it's probably not coming.'

Friday, October 01, 2010

Scotty from The New Town Bar...

Very sad to hear about the passing of Scotty from the New Town Bar...
a very, very lovely man.

I know he will be greatly missed.

Jo x

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Do You Need A Bag?

It really pisses me off when I’m in a shop and they ask, “Do you need a bag?”

Of course I need a bag! I’ve bought 2 boxes of cornflakes and a pint of milk! What do you think I’m going to do? Stick them up my arse and waddle home?

Use your head! Of course I need a bag!

Supermarkets are the worst. They try to play on your conscience – and they use that patronising voice: “Do you really need a bag? We’re trying to help save the environment”

How? By employing idiots? How’s that saving the Rain Forest?

It’s not right … I spend my money in their shop – I give them my money – and now they want to charge mefor a bag.

Ok here’s what I do …

I go in on a Saturday morning when they’re at their busiest – with a huge shopping list – I even ask my neighbours if I can pick up anything you them – so I get a huge pile of stuff – a mountain of groceries - then when they say “Do you need some bags?” – I say “No … No I don’t want any bags …

... But can you carry my shopping out to my car please?”

Friday, September 17, 2010

Got A Friend Staying With Me...

I’ve got an American friend staying with me right now.

I said if you’re ever in the UK come and stay – she thought I meant it!

But whenever people come and stay they always say the same thing, “Now don’t put yourself out. We’ll just do whatever you normally do – that’ll be fine” …

So last night - we sat in a dark room - drank a bottle of wine - and cried about how shit our comedy career is going.

Edinburgh In The Sun...

The Scots don't tell anyone about how nice the weather is in September!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

More Things I Write On Twitter...

Got another letter from my bank manager this morning. I don’t know why he bothers, I’ve told him a 100 times – I’m already married.

Brilliant show last night!! I give that audience 5 stars. I'd like to see them again next year. See how they've progressed.

Amazon recommendations: Customers who bought ‘My Story’ by Dannii Minogue, also purchased a length of strong rope and a wobbly chair.

Amazon recommendations: Customers who bought 'The 100 Cutest Kittens and Puppies', also bought 'Why Men Leave'.

Recent poll says Jordan is most 'useless' celeb in UK. When I say ‘recent’ I mean ‘today’, & when I saw ‘poll’ I mean ‘me & my friend Zoe’.

My friend Alison has had more boyfriends that hot dinners. She’s not a slut, she’s just anorexic.

Why are the cast of Glee typical American high school kids? Because I want to shoot them with an M-16.

Café at Pleasance Courtyard lunchtime special: A baguette, a cup of coffee, and the aroma of fresh urine = four pounds! (Still funny & true)

Good place to meet single men? A Father’s for Justice March. You know they’ve got a caring side and f*ck all to do at the weekend.

Why do the people who hand out free newspapers look like the kind of people who have never read a newspaper in their life?

I always videotape the X-Factor – so I can fast forward through all the adverts. And the singing. And the judges comments. And the credits.

After an argument my husband will always bring me a bunch of flowers – which is just one of the advantages of living nextdoor to a graveyard.

Went round friends new flat. She’s decorated it from charity shops & carboot sales – you should see it … it’s a f*cking mess!

I was in Afghanistan last month doing a show for our boys – when I say ‘our boys’ I’m presuming you also want to kill the blue-eyed Infidel?

Recent survey says Norwich is most unfriendly town in UK. When asked for a comment the Norwich tourist board said “Go and fuck yourself”

Remember when people used to applaud the pilot when the plane touched down safely? I do that when my mum parks the car. Pure relief.

London is strange choice of venue for the Olympics. Olympics combine the 2 things the average Londoner hates most – foreigners and exercise.

My mother’s addicted to scratch cards … every morning she buys 5 … and by lunchtime? – she’s eaten the lot.

Calum Best - living proof that alcohol causes defective sperm..

Sad but true: over half the mothers in Africa will lose a child to either famine, disease, or Angelina Jolie.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

The Festival Is Over...

...for another year.

Busy last couple of days - interviewed Tom Binns and Steve Bennett for forthcoming podcast - went to see Tom Binns as Ian D Montfort - went to see Dan Antopolski's show 'Turn of the Century' - went to The Stand rap party - went to H&M and bought a ring - went to Topshop and bought 2 tops ...

And that's Jazz! Welcome To Crazy Town.

Me and comedian Tom Binns (as his character Sunderland psychic Ian D Montfort - standing in front of a poster for his other character Ivan Brackenbury)

Me with Steve Bennett - the man behind The Chortle comedy website ( before I interviewed him for a forthcoming podcast.

Me and Jerry (my sound techie) - on the last night he whipped out his guitar and played us out with a great version of Cruel To Be Kind.

Edinburgh Festival - all done for another year.

Like A Virgin... (Part 18)

In my Edinburgh Festival show ("Cruel To Be Kind" @ The Stand Comedy Club) I've been asking my audience "Where did you lose your virginity?"

Some of last night's glamorous locations included:

Man: In Swansea, Wales

Woman: " Norway, it wasn't romantic, I was drunk - it was with my dad's friend"

Man: In bed in Newcastle

Man: Southshields

Woman - Kirby (been together ever since)

Aberdeen Man - " a park at night in London, can't remember the name of the park"

Man - Birmingham

Man in glasses: in his parent's house in Surrey

Woman in glasses: in her parent's house in Edinburgh

Man - in York. "I don't remember anything about it"

Man - "...about 12 miles outside of Hull. It was a nice place."

American Man - Salt Lake City.

Woman - Brazil

Look at the pictures and guess who did it where:

Hull or Salt Lake City?

In a park late at night?


Daddies friend?

Are You In Any Of These Photos? (Part 2)

Are you in any of these photos?

If you are, you can win FREE TICKETS to a future Jo Caulfield show.

Simply send an email to
telling me (a) which night you were there (all photos were date stampted)
and (b) what happened at the end of the show.

(Chosen totally at random)

Free Tickets!!
Free Tickets!!
Free Tickets!! (To all 4 people in this photo)

Like A Virgin... (Part 17)

In my Edinburgh Festival show ("Cruel To Be Kind" @ The Stand Comedy Club) I've been asking my audience "Where did you lose your virginity?"

Some of Saturday night's glamorous locations included:

Man: "In a car. It was a Morris 1100. We took the roof off."

Husband: Stoke-on-Trent

Wife: Several hundred miles away!

Man: Aberdeen. I've no idea where it was.

Wife: It was in a house. I remember!

Man: On a school-trip in Russia.

Lady from Devon: Parents house.

Lady: "Can't say because my mothers sitting next to me."

Mother: Norfolk. On a pebbley beach.

Swedish Man: At home in my mother's house - with her approval. Because we're liberal.

Man: In Newcastle. Next to the Newcastle Brown ale factory. Never saw them again.

Look at the pictures and guess who did it where:

Stoke-On-Trent or Aberdeen?

Newcastle or Russia?

Norfolk or Devon?

On the beach or in the car?

Are You In Any Of These Photos?

Are you in any of these photos?

If you are, you can win FREE TICKETS to a future Jo Caulfield show.

Simply send an email to
telling me (a) which night you were there (all photos were date stampted)
and (b) what happened at the end of the show

Free Tickets!!
Free Tickets!!
Free Tickets!!
Free Tickets!! Gabba Gabba Hey!!!

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Friday 27th August

Me and comedian Stephen Carlin
after I'd interviewed him.

Me and Pink Floyd/Roxy Music bass player Guy Pratt
just before our interview.

Lot of great comedy shows at The Stand this year.

Like A Virgin... (Part 16)

Where did tonight's audience lose their virginity?

Man - Glasgow

Woman - London

Man from Blairgowrie - Cults, Aberdeen

Lady in white jacket - "I really, really can’t remember, it was so long ago. Maybe Devon?"

Dad (in front of cringing daughters) - "It was in Cheltenham... Cheltenham Ladies college" (Posh sex!)

Lady - "Southport... it wasn’t romantic... but I did see him again - long enough for decency"

Man - "in Oxford - in a bed. It was quite boring really".

Woman - with an Englishman she met in Greece on holiday.

Lady with large chest - Blackburn, West Lothian - " was very romantic" (she told us in front of her horrified husband)

Her husband - on a park bench in a small town in Fife.

Gentleman - Italy. That sounded romantic until his partner said...

Woman - " as by the sea, near Edinburgh, in a car - a Lotus Elan!"

In Greece on holiday...

...or on a park bench in Fife?

In a car or in a bed?

Cheltenham Ladies College?

Friday, August 27, 2010

Like A Virgin... (Part 15)

In my Edinburgh Festival show ("Cruel To Be Kind" @ The Stand Comedy Club) I've been asking my audience "Where did you lose your virginity?"

Some of last night's glamorous locations included:

Gay Man: In the woods in Pennicook (with a woman) in a house (with a man)

Woman from N Yorkshire - in a caravan near Lincoln

Woman - in a shed, in Edinburgh

Dad (in front of family): "I was on a beach in North Berwick. It's a very lovely beach".

Trevor - "In Bedford, it was pretty grim".

Man - Luton

Woman - in a flat in Edinburgh

Cambridge man - "On Brighton beach under a full moon".

Stockbridge man - in Pearly near Surrey

Woman - Aberdeen

Look at the pictures and guess who did it where:

In the woods with a woman or in a house with a man?

Aberdeen, Edinburgh or Luton?

In a Caravan or in a Shed?

Moonlit Brighton or grim Bedford?