Tonight Matthew, I'm going to be ...... Eminem.
Yes I'm cleanin' out my closet. I was deleting some old files when I came across a stack of stuff I'd written for BBC's Have I Got News For You (June 2009). Some of it I said, some of it got cut out and some of it I forgot. Although it's a topical show this material hasn't dated as much as I thought it would - maybe because we're still screwed politically.
Must mention Matt Ross (very talented comedy writer) who worked with me on this.
How is Gordon Brown coping?
Says he’s not going to quit, says he’s best man for the job, says he’s got everyone’s full support ... Isn’t that what football managers always say right before they get sacked?
The Labour Party’s forecast to have its worst results in the local/Euro elections making it the least popular party since Gary Glitter’s last sleepover
Fear of losing to BNP and UKIP ... anyone with initials ... they’re terrified of DFS
He’s refusing to go – I reckon they’ll need bailiffs to get him out – he’ll be claiming squatter’s rights next.
No-one’s pissed away their legacy this badly since George Lucas made the Phantom Menace
On Gordon Brown getting slaughtered in the Press for refusing to go despite calls for him to step down:
He’s like Nero ... everyone’s fiddling while he burns
Things are so bad for Gordon Brown, I hear Susan Boyle’s phoned him to see how he’s doing
I agree with Brown. He should stay on. He’d be stupid to resign now ... in the middle of a recession ... with record unemployment ... how’s he going to find another job?
Changed his second home four times in four years – rumour of demotion/reshuffle to Home Secretary:
Alastair Darling is rumoured to being moved to Home Secretary – he’d be good at that, he’s got enough of them.
Darling says he’s going to pay back his expenses ... and then it turns out he’s got the amount wrong ... now I’m no economist, but I’ve got a pretty good idea why things have gone so bad.
Why does he keep changing house? Is he in the witness relocation programme?
Michael Howard’s Garden
Michael Howard claimed £17,000 for gardening costs
Michael Howard claims to be the 31st cheapest MP – it’s meaningless, you’re still in there with them ... it’s like claiming to be the:
31st most safest paedophile
31st most popular Coldplay song
31st prettiest prostitute
31st least dangerous psychopath
31st footballer to go out with Danielle Lloyd
31st bloke Jordan’s been pictured with this week
31st bandwagon Cameron’s jumped on this week
31st most embarrassing STD
Michael Howard’s garden cost £17,000 – bet he didn’t grow any garlic
Michael Howard’s garden got expensive when his labour went back to Eastern Europe ... and those Transylvanian gardeners are hard to find
Michael Howard’s garden cost £17,000 ... fair enough, all those marble tombstones can’t be cheap
Jacqui Smith Talks About Quitting
Jacqui Smith’s expenses now show she claimed for an iPhone for her husband:
Probably to give him something to do with his hands!
It seems the more money she gets the worse she becomes ... I call it the:
Fiona Phillips principle
Michael Owen principle
Robbie Williams principle
Dimitar Berbatov principle
It seems the more money she gets the more slappable/annoying she becomes ... I call it the:
Fiona Phillips principle
Kate Garraway principle
Peaches Geldof principle
Ashley Cole principle
Jacqui Smith Does Quit:
Jacqui Smith always has that fixed grin, it’s like watching a space-hopper talking about immigration
She says she’s resigning as she wants to fight for her seat ... the bailiffs are coming next Tuesday to repossess her furniture
That awful black and white outfit and that fake smile ... she looked like an insincere panda
Hazel Blears Quits
I had the telly on and thought Hazel Blears is looking a lot better these days ... it was ten minutes before I realised it was actually Chesney from Coronation Street.
So now Hazel Blears has turned on Gordon Brown and stabbed him in the knees.
She says she never sought “High Office” ... just as well, she wouldn’t be able to reach it
Does anyone else look at Hazel Blears and think Cilla Black shrunk in the wash?
Does anyone else look at Hazel Blears and think she could be Cilla Black’s mini-me?
Hazel Blears ... she’s like one of those pet chinchillas ... it looks all cute and bouncy, but you know that it’ll gnaw your eyes out given half the chance.
Hazel Blears ... she’s like an evil Oompa Loompa.
Hazel Blears ... the only person who needs a stepladder to stab you in the back.
Hazel Blears ... all short, spiteful and ginger ... she’s like Basil Brush’s evil twin.
Hazel Blears ... all small and nippy ... reminds me of a Jack Russell we used to have ... horrible little thing yapping round your ankles ... it was a nice dog though.
I put the telly on the other night, and thought Geri Halliwell’s really let herself go.
Hazel Blears ... small, ginger and perky ... she’s like Basil Brush on speed.
Hazel Blears ... think about it ... you’ve never seen her and Ron Weasley in the same room together, have you?
Queen Not Invited To D-Day Events
Royal Family invited through Obama intervention, not invited by Gordon Brown
Sarkozy accused of not inviting British:
So what if Sarkozy doesn’t want the Queen at his event ... she should do what all spurned women do if their former partner’s having a party ... arrange one of her own. Hold it at Portsmouth where all the boats set off from and then invite everyone. See who gets the most people turn up ... and seeing as Brown’s already said he’s going to France, I’m guessing it won’t be France.
The Royals weren’t invited but Obama fixed it for them to go on the guest list ... he can fix anything for anyone ... he’s like a popular John Barrowman.
Prince Charles is now going to the D-Day celebrations:
Makes a change, it’ll be the first time the Americans got to a French battlefield before the British ...they were two years late last time
Sarkozy ... he just doesn’t look like a politician ... he’s reminds me of that little Frenchman who used to do Eurotrash on Channel 4
Sarkozy and Obama, both incredibly popular ... both married to very glamorous women ... that’s where Gordon Brown’s going wrong ... but lucky for him, Jordan’s single again.
5 MPs quit on the same day
With so many people walking out around him – Gordon must think he’s at a Coldplay concert / watching Middlesborough ... he’s like the Anti-Alan-Sugar.
Apparently a total of 15 Labour MPs have said they’re resigning – do you think they’re a Lottery winning syndicate?
At this rate, he’s not going to have much left to reshuffle is he?
Swine Flu Hits Eton
4 pupils diagnosed with Swine Flu, Eton closed for a week
Typical, we never got any fancy new diseases at my old comprehensive, we were lucky to get nits
Britain’s Got Talent – Susan Boyle
Gordon Brown likes his telly doesn’t he ... first he gives a tribute to Jade Goody and this week he’s been saying he watched Britain’s Got Talent, and then we find out he’s been calling Simon Cowell. And then I heard him say he wants to clean up the House, I thought “Oh no, he’ s not going on Kim and Aggie”
Gordon Brown/Susan Boyle – two socially inept Scottish losers
Gordon Brown refuses to call an election saying he’s the right man for the job and then he’s phoning Simon Cowell to talk about Susan Boyle – glad he’s got his priorities right!
Gordon Brown refuses to call an election saying he’s busy sorting out the mess the country’s in ... oh yeah, so why’s he’s chatting about Britain’s Got Talent and phoning Simon Cowell! Big Brother’s back this week ... and we know he loves Big Brother, remember his touching tribute to Jade? So don’t expect him to do much for the next 10 weeks
Big Brother’s back this week, but this year they’re not providing the live 24 hour feed ... which is bad news for Gordon Brown as it looks as though he’s going to have a lot of free time this Summer.
Esther Rantzen MP:
Esther Rantzen has won the support of the people of Luton to stand for Parliament.
Most of Luton seem keen on the idea, the only person not keen on Esther becoming an MP is her daughter who said, “It’s a lot of work — and I thought we were going to plan my wedding,”
Esther is obviously an experienced presenter, so she could be the new Speaker ... accompanied by Richard Stilgoe on the piano.
Katie Hopkins from Apprentice standing as a Euro MEP:
You’ve got Esther Rantzen wanting to be an MP, and Katie Hopkins from the Apprentice standing in the Euro Election ... politics is being taken over by gameshow contestants ... at this rate the next speaker will be Bruce Forsyth.
I think all MPs should be celebrities, then you could feel smart reading “Heat” ... torso of the week, Shadow Chancellor Peter Andre
If celebrities want to be MPs, we really don’t want MPs becoming celebrities ... you don’t want to see Hazel Blears flashing her pants as she falls out a nightclub do you?
Esther wants to stand for Luton, so:
Michael Barrymore, Poole
Geri Haliwell, Barking
Peter Andre, Littlehampton
Jane Asher, Bakewell