Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Jo Caulfield: Won't Shut Up!

The Stand Comedy Club, 5 York Place, Edinburgh
8pm (Thursday 6th – Sunday 30th August)

If you’re going to the Edinburgh Festival this August I’ll be at the award-winning Stand Comedy Club every night with my brand new show “JO CAULFIELD: WON’T SHUT UP!”

And what’s the subject matter?

Well, this year I’ll be talking about dating, and relationships, and sex. I’ve worked out a 5 point plan to solve the current economic crisis and I’ve got a bunch of ideas for Dragons Den inventions. I’ll also be tackling my drunken girlfriends, their ugly children, my Scottish husband and his fascination with large breasts.

I'm pretty sure there'll also be stuff about identity theft, childproof toilet seats, Kate Moss, Siouxsie & the Banshees, international terrorism and Siouxsie & the Banshees involvement in international terrorism. But don't hold me to it.

Dating Advice – “On my 16th birthday my strict Catholic mother told me, ‘When you go out with boys, whatever happens don’t let him touch you below the waist’. Luckily I’d learnt how to do handstands by then.”

Mothers – “I sometimes worry I’m turning into my mother. Which is both good and bad. On the down side she’s a judgemental narrow-minded emotionally stunted old bat. But on the upside she’s got no mortgage.”

Relationships – “I remember the day my husband got down on one knee and nervously asked me the question he hoped I’d say yes to… but I said no… for the last time I am not getting breast implants."

Married Life – “When you send your partner out shopping, do you ever put a couple of items on the list that don’t actually exist just to keep him out of the house a bit longer?”

Kate Moss – “Kate Moss has said she’s doing another range of outfits for Topshop, which I’m delighted about. For years I’ve wanted to dress like a scrawny, promiscuous ex cokehead but there just hasn’t been the right choice of clothes around.”

Jade Goody – “Jade is to be honoured with a brass plaque near her childhood home in South London. This will commemorate two facts; (1) Jade helped increase awareness of the importance of regular screening for cervical cancer, and (2) Bermondsey community council has far too much money to waste, sorry I mean spend."

The Recession – “I think the recession’s going to split up a lot of couples. Look at the house prices – If your partner’s parent’s house is only worth half as much as a year ago is it still really worth hanging around?”

As an extra bonus I’m going to write 5 minutes of new material each day about Scotland and/or Scottish history for my forthcoming Radio 4 comedy series (first episode will be record at The Pleasance Cabaret Bar on Thursday 20th August).

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