Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Cleanin' Out My Closet

Tonight Matthew, I'm going to be ...... Eminem.

Yes I'm cleanin' out my closet. I've got a new Radio 4 series coming out later this year ("Jo Caulfield Won't Shut Up!") so I've been sitting at the PC writing, writing, writing. During a coffee-break I went through some old files and found a stack of lines/jokes/thoughts that never quite made the grade.

I’m going to boycott the Olympics, nothing to do with Tibet, I just don’t like fencing and dressage.

I got my Granny a book for her birthday. I said I got it from Amazon. She said … “Oh that’s an awful long way to go for a book.” (True Story)

I’ve just heard that The Scissor Sisters aren’t really sisters, and Shakespeare Sister aren’t really sisters, and Twisted Sister aren’t really Sisters – I’m telling you, it’s making me look at my sister in a whole different light.

Cat insurance costs £5 per month, while household insurance costs £10 per month. So I’ve transferred all my possessions into my cats name. Result? I’m £5 better off each month and Tiddles has qualified a platinum Discovery card.

I just got my first Christmas card. It’s a picture of an Easter Bunny on the front, and inside it says: Happy Valentines Day from the Altzimers Society.

I’m not religious but I DO like the Vicar of Dibley – so in times of trouble I often find myself asking … what would Dawn French do?

Last night I played Strip Poker … I won two pairs of trousers and a top hat.

Have you seen that Paris Hilton’s Best British Friend show? The winner gets to become Paris Hilton’s new best friend – what kind of fucking prize is that? It actually makes the prizes on Countdown look worth winning.

20 years ago the only people who had tattoos were bikers and sailors, now everyone seems to have one. I predict that in the future tattoos will be so passé and unfashionable the only people to have them will be accountants, bank managers and the populace of Newcastle.

I was in HMV record shop and I noticed that someone had written ‘wankers’ on all the Coldplay CD’s – and when I say ‘someone’ I mean ‘me’. And when I say ‘wankers’ I mean ‘cunts’.

I went to my first gay wedding last week. Well it wasn’t an official gay wedding – but the way the Priest was looking at the Alter boys? So gay!!

Searching for cheaper car insurance online is a lot like watching a Guy Ritchie film … it’s long, it’s boring, and there’s no happy ending.

I’ve not made a claim in over five years, yet they’ve put my car insurance up – how’s that possible? I think it would be fairer if Heather Mills worked for Churchill – you’d still get the old dog saying “Yes, Yes, Yes” but at least you’d know they just want your money.

Have you noticed that more women than men go into the ‘drug mule’ business? Is it because men don’t like to use condoms?

Differences between CSI Miami and the Bill: Comparing CSI Miami with The Bill is like comparing Jonathan Ross with his brother Paul.

This morning I went into Computer World and bought some more memory – for my Granddad.
I'll add some more next week. BTW if you think any of them are worth saving/re-working, please feel free to tell me.


Fred Trellis said...

Last night I played Strip Poker … I lost one hand, now I've got a spare glove.

Have you seen that Paris Hilton’s .... that's a good joke as it stands.

Coldplay joke is good.

I went to my first gay wedding. That's a great idea, might work with a reformulation.

I went to my first gay wedding. Well, it was a man and women, but at least the priest was Catholic.
but at least the priest had recently been transferred to this parish
at least the alter boys looked worried

Jo Caulfield said...

I like that 'man, woman, catholic priest' re-write. I might try that.

Fred Trellis said...

Oh, please do!!

Can I then add a first credit to my CV?

"Has written for a recognised comedian"?

I have to start somewhere, sometime, no?

At the moment, I am at the "still waitressing, but I got this idea when I was too drunk, and don't know where to go from here" stage.

Or do I need to give you one entire joke (rather than just amateurishly re-wording your very workable idea) to earn an anonymous mention on my CV?

Best regards, F.

Fred Trellis said...

I tried riffing on your Olympic / dressage thing.

And my brother sent me a joke, which I tried to convert to a female perspective. The joke was:

I went to see the nurse this afternoon about my blood pressure.
She said."Mr Smith,you will have to stop wanking"! "Oh" I said,"why is that?
She said "Im trying to examine you".

But honestly, I feel a little queasy sending my feminised version to you. So I cut that, and the riffing around it. The joke has a good idea in it tho'.

Young scientists are really excited about the Olympics coming to London, as it’s a chance to test the theory that if you run fast enough, you won’t get wet in the rain. Kayak manufacturers are gearing up for the marathon. Negotiations have already started between the Beach Volley Ball Association, and the Dog Walkers Alliance. Dogs are of course banned from nudist beaches - so there seems a happy synergy there with the future of the sport.

There has been pressure to include cheese-rolling as an Olympic event as homage to the 2012 host country, but it’s being resisted on the grounds that it’s really the amateur version of the professional sport of downhill freestyle lunacy.

Dressage is to be expanded to include junior riders with ponies, and is going to be called “Prancing”. There will be a handicap system, with first-round byes being given to anyone called “Felicity”. Dressage was invented when a security camera happened to catch Shergar trying to tiptoe back in to his stables. It’s incredibly difficult to train horses for the top level of this sport, because most horses are, by nature, not gay (camp??). And of course, those that are, are already booked up for panto.

The old pickup line about making beautiful music together is just nonsense, our sexuality is so different. For the woman, it’s kind of symphonic, and for the man, like that annoying little doo doo doo di doo from Directline adverts. That’s if and when he prefers accompaniment rather than playing in his own one man band. We really move to the beat of different drums. Petrol drums for the men, African drums for the women. Allegedly.

Why does the dentist have the radio playing? I wouldn’t mind if it was just music, but just after he injected the local anaesthetic, there was Womans Hour debate about AIDS spreading through shared needles. So I made the obvious highly humourous quip, asking him if he used clean needles, and the drilling seemed to get a little more intense afterwards. He was gritting his teeth more than the council grits main roads. And grinding them more than a pole dancer.

My doctor said I was drinking too much - but she always says that when it’s her round