Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Cleanin' Out My Closet

Tonight Matthew, I'm going to be ...... Eminem.

Yes I'm cleanin' out my closet. I've got a new Radio 4 series coming out later this year ("Jo Caulfield Won't Shut Up!") so I've been sitting at the PC writing, writing, writing. During a coffee-break I went through some old files and found a stack of lines/jokes/thoughts that never quite made the grade.

I’m going to boycott the Olympics, nothing to do with Tibet, I just don’t like fencing and dressage.

I got my Granny a book for her birthday. I said I got it from Amazon. She said … “Oh that’s an awful long way to go for a book.” (True Story)

I’ve just heard that The Scissor Sisters aren’t really sisters, and Shakespeare Sister aren’t really sisters, and Twisted Sister aren’t really Sisters – I’m telling you, it’s making me look at my sister in a whole different light.

Cat insurance costs £5 per month, while household insurance costs £10 per month. So I’ve transferred all my possessions into my cats name. Result? I’m £5 better off each month and Tiddles has qualified a platinum Discovery card.

I just got my first Christmas card. It’s a picture of an Easter Bunny on the front, and inside it says: Happy Valentines Day from the Altzimers Society.

I’m not religious but I DO like the Vicar of Dibley – so in times of trouble I often find myself asking … what would Dawn French do?

Last night I played Strip Poker … I won two pairs of trousers and a top hat.

Have you seen that Paris Hilton’s Best British Friend show? The winner gets to become Paris Hilton’s new best friend – what kind of fucking prize is that? It actually makes the prizes on Countdown look worth winning.

20 years ago the only people who had tattoos were bikers and sailors, now everyone seems to have one. I predict that in the future tattoos will be so passé and unfashionable the only people to have them will be accountants, bank managers and the populace of Newcastle.

I was in HMV record shop and I noticed that someone had written ‘wankers’ on all the Coldplay CD’s – and when I say ‘someone’ I mean ‘me’. And when I say ‘wankers’ I mean ‘cunts’.

I went to my first gay wedding last week. Well it wasn’t an official gay wedding – but the way the Priest was looking at the Alter boys? So gay!!

Searching for cheaper car insurance online is a lot like watching a Guy Ritchie film … it’s long, it’s boring, and there’s no happy ending.

I’ve not made a claim in over five years, yet they’ve put my car insurance up – how’s that possible? I think it would be fairer if Heather Mills worked for Churchill – you’d still get the old dog saying “Yes, Yes, Yes” but at least you’d know they just want your money.

Have you noticed that more women than men go into the ‘drug mule’ business? Is it because men don’t like to use condoms?

Differences between CSI Miami and the Bill: Comparing CSI Miami with The Bill is like comparing Jonathan Ross with his brother Paul.

This morning I went into Computer World and bought some more memory – for my Granddad.
I'll add some more next week. BTW if you think any of them are worth saving/re-working, please feel free to tell me.