Saturday, January 17, 2009

Predictions For 2009

Everything will get a lot worse, before it gets worse.

In January Heather Mills will meet the exiting President George W. Bush. She will attempt to show her disapproval at his Presidency by copying the journalist in Iraq, and throw her shoes at him. Heather’s efforts will only be half as effective.

With Woolworth’s closing down, pregnant teenager schoolchildren will be forced to shoplift elsewhere. I’m predicting a busy time for the security staff in Claire’s Accessories.

Religion, terrorism and the credit crunch will collide as Fundamentalist Muslim Suicide Bombers have their heavenly virgins cutback from 72 to 48.

Despite being dead for 11 years The Daily Mail will STILL manage to put Lady Diana on their front page several times. Probably on slow-news weeks.

Sometime around March the Daily Express will find their dream story – “The death of Princess Diana is responsible for falling house prices”.

Food prices will go up, Western civilisation will be under threat and petrol will be rationed - but on the plus side Jeremy Clarkson will soon be unemployed.

With Woolworth’s staff losing 30,000 jobs and the Post Office set to do the same, Anthea Turner will continue to misjudge the British public’s sympathy to Anthea “being down to her last couple of million”.

Someone will go on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here in a desperate attempt to kick-start their career, but it will actually be the final nail in their celebrity coffin. Oh sorry, Danni Behr has already done that.

Jodie Marsh, Nigella Lawson and Paris Hilton (or as I call them the Axis of Evil) will continue to appear on UK television and in the UK tabloids, proving once again that British men want a whore in the bedroom, a whore in the kitchen and a slut in their newspaper.

A whale (or a dolphin, or a porpoise) will swim up the River Thames and get stuck.
The Daily Mail will call the whale “The Nation’s Favourite Whale” and launch a campaign to have it saved.

A marine biologist will explain the stranded whale is a native of Japan that must have lost its way here, upon hearing this The Daily Mail will re-christen the mammal “Johnny Foreigner” and launch a campaign to have it deported.

The Government will waste 2 and a half million pounds on a new survey that comes to the conclusion that three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

High Street fashion will continue to be designed by gay men and aimed at 12year old girls. There will be a new rule whereby fame has to skip a generation. Children of Celebrities will no longer be allowed a career in TV, music or film. Goodbye Peaches Geldof and fuck off Lilly Allen. (This is not a prediction, just wishful thinking)

Any suggestions / thoughts?

2 comments:

Evissa said...

you have become my idol

Jo Caulfield said...

I predicted you would say that.
Jo x