Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Crave Magazine Interview

The nice people at Crave Magazine ( www.cravewomen.co.uk ) asked me to answer some questions. Don't know when it goes out but it went something like this...

JO CAULFIELD – FOR CRAVE MAGAZINE

For readers who don't know you, how would you introduce yourself?
What do you mean you don’t know me!!!
Okay, I’m a Stand-Up comedian and have my own Radio 4 comedy show – the critically acclaimed “It’s That Jo Caulfield Again”. I’m often on programmes like “Mock the Week” and “Have I Got News For You”, and I was recently nominated as one of The 100 Greatest Stand-Ups (Channel4).

Big new project?
Have a new Radio 4 series to write (“Jo Caulfield Won’t Shut Up…”) and possibly a tour later in the year.

Ambition?
To be happy in what I’m doing.

Which part of you would you change if you could?
My Liver.

Most proud of?
I think Pride is something to be wary of. If you start to talk about your own achievements you very quickly turn into a wanker, or worse – Kate Winslet at the Golden Globes.

Biggest ever purchase?
It’s a toss up between my flat in North London and a pair of Rock and Republic Jeans. Going by price per square inch they were both ridiculously over-priced.

Coolest possession?
A personally signed photo of Lauren Bacall. (A friend of mine used to be her P.A.) Or the punk group The Ramones in action figures. But not just action figures, they are The Ramones Bears. Seriously, they are plastic bears with Ramones haircuts, leather jackets and guitars. The only detail missing is DeeDee Ramone Bear shooting up.

Last night out?4
days ago in New York. Drank a lot of beer in Woody’s bar on West 14th Street with my friend Ophira.

Last time you cried?
I’m so ashamed to tell you because I think it is one of the worst films I’ve ever seen…. but I cried at the end of Mama Mia.

Biggest disappointment?
To discover that I’m the sort of easily manipulated moron that would cry at the end of Mama Mia.
Also – British Television. Why do we dumb everything down in this country? America has Law and Order and we have The Bill! What was the point of Lilly Allen having a chat show? Why is Sharon Osbourne pretending she shops at Asda and plays online Bingo? Why is Holly Willoughby allowed near a microphone? Who the fuck watches ‘Out Numbered’? Why has Channel 5 they remade Minder??? Why don’t we have anything that is of the same quality as Grey’s Anatomy, 24, West Wing, House, Monk, Sex and the City, Desperate Housewives, Six Feet Under, CSI or Entourage (And I don’t even like Entourage).

Big love?
Driving in Scotland. Cold sunny days and a cosy pub at night. Shopping in New York.

Biggest influence?
I work in a predominantly male business so strong female comics who have a lot of attitude and carved out their own path. Joan Rivers, Rosanne Barr, Kathy Griffin, Janeane Garafalo.

Favourite biscuit?
Shortbread.

Are you cool?
I am down with the kids, tru dat, so brush me Daddy-o for shizzle – which means, NO.

What is love?
Being with someone who makes you a better person.

Annoying habit?
Every couple of weeks I start smoking again. I talk over people. And I’m always starting sentences that I never fi…..

Your next big news?
Is enormous.

The World is…?
Very well designed. Whoever did it was a very clever, I’d like to get them to do my bathroom.

Secret passion?
West Highland Terriers and reading the labels of face creams in Department Stores.

Tell us a secret:
I’m allergic to Penicillin….. and I don’t know if that’s how you spell penicillin

What did you do today?
Drove back from visiting my parents. Enough said.

Bedtime routine?
Depends whether I’m drunk or sober. If I’m sober it involves large amounts of anti-aging creams and serums. If I’m drunk, it’s the same, but topped off with half an hour of sobbing.

TV Heaven?
Project Runway, America’s Next Top Model, Come Dine With Me (basically any reality show on Living TV) followed by The Wire.

What attracts you to other women?
My girlfriends all make me laugh.

Favourite body part of your own?
I don’t have any part that bears close scrutiny. I’m like a piece of clothes bought from Primark: it all looks ok from a distance but a couple of nights out and I start to fade and get baggy in the wrong places.

I must give more time to…?
Being selfish.

My best friend is?
Adam. We’ve been friends since I was 14. We were the only New Romantics in a small town. We bonded over a love of Boy George and Cider. He is my favourite person to get drunk with, I can’t ever imagine us not being friends.

Describe your sexuality?
No. You describe it for me.

Last great holiday?
Last September I spent 3 weeks driving down the West Coast, from Seattle to San Francisco. We detoured inland to Portland, Oregon and also through the wine country. Every night we booked into a little seaside motel. The motels are great and only about £40 a night. You couldn’t get a B & B in Skegness for that.I can’t recommend it highly enough if you fancy a road trip. Portland has the best independent book shop I’ve ever seen, Powel’s books. It’s also just a really pretty town – think small Boston/ New York but more lesbians.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Predictions For 2009

Everything will get a lot worse, before it gets worse.

In January Heather Mills will meet the exiting President George W. Bush. She will attempt to show her disapproval at his Presidency by copying the journalist in Iraq, and throw her shoes at him. Heather’s efforts will only be half as effective.

With Woolworth’s closing down, pregnant teenager schoolchildren will be forced to shoplift elsewhere. I’m predicting a busy time for the security staff in Claire’s Accessories.

Religion, terrorism and the credit crunch will collide as Fundamentalist Muslim Suicide Bombers have their heavenly virgins cutback from 72 to 48.

Despite being dead for 11 years The Daily Mail will STILL manage to put Lady Diana on their front page several times. Probably on slow-news weeks.

Sometime around March the Daily Express will find their dream story – “The death of Princess Diana is responsible for falling house prices”.

Food prices will go up, Western civilisation will be under threat and petrol will be rationed - but on the plus side Jeremy Clarkson will soon be unemployed.

With Woolworth’s staff losing 30,000 jobs and the Post Office set to do the same, Anthea Turner will continue to misjudge the British public’s sympathy to Anthea “being down to her last couple of million”.

Someone will go on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here in a desperate attempt to kick-start their career, but it will actually be the final nail in their celebrity coffin. Oh sorry, Danni Behr has already done that.

Jodie Marsh, Nigella Lawson and Paris Hilton (or as I call them the Axis of Evil) will continue to appear on UK television and in the UK tabloids, proving once again that British men want a whore in the bedroom, a whore in the kitchen and a slut in their newspaper.

A whale (or a dolphin, or a porpoise) will swim up the River Thames and get stuck.
The Daily Mail will call the whale “The Nation’s Favourite Whale” and launch a campaign to have it saved.

A marine biologist will explain the stranded whale is a native of Japan that must have lost its way here, upon hearing this The Daily Mail will re-christen the mammal “Johnny Foreigner” and launch a campaign to have it deported.

The Government will waste 2 and a half million pounds on a new survey that comes to the conclusion that three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

High Street fashion will continue to be designed by gay men and aimed at 12year old girls. There will be a new rule whereby fame has to skip a generation. Children of Celebrities will no longer be allowed a career in TV, music or film. Goodbye Peaches Geldof and fuck off Lilly Allen. (This is not a prediction, just wishful thinking)

Any suggestions / thoughts?