Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Denn Of Geek Interview (December 2009)

DEN OF GEEK INTERVIEW: JO CAULFIELD
By Barry Donovan


As she launches a new stand-up tour, Jo Caulfield chats to us about comedy, radio, and making six grumpy men laugh...
Published on Dec 14, 2009

Stand-up comedienne Jo Caulfield is heading back on tour in early 2010, with a new show entitled Jo Caulfield Won't Shut Up. With extensive credits in both television and radio, she spared us some time to chat about what she's been up to...

You've been a regular at Edinburgh for the past eight years.

Yes, I've actually done eight solo shows. I had one year off, maybe three or four years ago. You kind of spend your time avoiding finding out about Edinburgh then go "might as well go to Edinburgh".

What was the thinking behind the year off?

I think it was thinking "oh, it's just hard to come up with an hour," but now I've got into a pattern of being faster at getting material together. I don't do a lot of new material nights. I don't find them very helpful because you've said to the audience it's material, so I tend to do smaller gigs where I can go in and do 10 minutes. I think it's less of a comic's audience as well; it's like real people. And I'll even go in with a clipboard and pads and paper and say "it's just some thoughts." It's quite fun and even if I can go "oh, that material didn't work" then you still sort of have fun with it.

Do you record your new material nights?

I do, which is both horrible and really useful. I'm the only person who thought that minidiscs would take off. I use a minidisc and people go "good lord, what is that?" The other night I didn't have it with me and I found out you can use a mobile phone as well but it's not as good. But minidisc is great. I can put it in my pocket and forget about it.

I did some new material last night at Comedy Camp and then I did a gig afterwards where I did some of that and it does develop. I said one bit and thought "oh, that's not as funny as I thought it would be. I need to say something else".

You don't know which bit is going to grab people; it surprises you. And then off the top of your head without sitting down at a computer and editing you can just say the things and that's often what actually you end up using.

How did you find this year's Edinburgh?

I loved it because last year was the first year that I did The Stand. There's the function room of the police club opposite to The Stand and it's just a great room because it's a proper square function room so you can get about 180 in there and they're just right in front of you so there's no "oh, it's a nice room". It's a really good temperature, which is also very important in Edinburgh, and I feel very relaxed there. The audience are already on your side because they've bothered to find out where you are and to go to The Stand rather than just go "oh, here's some shows that are nearby, let's just go to these people". In a club it's different; people have to come on side, but when you're doing an hour you want them to already be on side with you.

Do you also find it's different what time you play a show as well?

Yea, I tend to go early because I kinda feel the later you are, either the more sleepy, more drunk, so I like to be alert with one drink so I always tend to be half-seven, eight eight-thirty.

How tightly written was the show before you went up? Does it evolve during the course of the month?

It always does because nowhere is like Edinburgh except Edinburgh. I always have chunks. So I'll have everything often in ten minute chunks or five minute chunks so I'll have done the bits either in clubs or in longer shows. So I'll know that the bits work and then when it's Edinburgh I'll put all the bits together and go "ooh, that 10 minute bit either works better later or earlier", so it's more a question of moving bits around then and then some bits are dropped.

I did the first preview at an hour and a half, but I don't know which parts I'm going to keep in. Sometimes something's good but you don't think it quite fits so you'll save it for another time. And then the next night I'll do the hour.

You always have a climax to the show in your mind, which is usually a personal story that becomes the end chunk. The other year it was the story of how I bought my own autograph on eBay. It was because I got very carried away with the bidding and I only meant to do it so that other people would bid, but other people didn't bid so I kept bidding to get other people interested. So I kept bidding and paid £17.50 for it. So that became quite a good story then to have an audience element of what autographs they have.

So, I'd ask them about it first and you'd get some good stories that I would collect in my head and I'd tell them those and kind of develop what you think are the best audience ones. The more you do it, the more good stories you have.

Do you tend to theme your shows?

I tend to do a very broad theme. Like this year with the show called Jo Caulfield Won't Shut Up. It's me talking; it's my opinions about something, it's never kind of an A-Z. It's never kind of "this year in my childhood" or "when I got married". It's just me talking and this has what has interested me this year.

So this year there was obviously quite a lot to do with the financial crisis heading to talking generally about jobs that I've had, so it was much more topical than I often am, just because it was the nature of the subject. It affected everybody. I thought about it and I haven't been on any sort of march since I was 17, but when it came to the banking I thought I'll march.

I've read a couple of times that you think your best comedy comes out of things that frustrate or anger you.

Yes, definitely. And also that thing where if something has irritated you, it's irritated other people as well and that can be very exciting when you mention a topic and you can see an audience reaction. You know you're onto something good.

Do you have a preference for either doing stand-up or radio?

Well, the radio is a constant battle and the series that's going out now is kind of as close as we've got yet to what I want it to be, but it's still not there 'cos I always feel it's me performing within the constraints of radio. You very rarely do comedy at half past six in front of people's children.

It's sanitised and it's not always just with the language. Sometimes it's to do with the amount of venom the darkness of a subject that will just be inappropriate at half past six. A lot of it is not just words you say, but images you'll put in people's heads. And so you have to censor yourself for that. It's a very interesting exercise to try and get as close as you can to who you are when you do stand-up but I always think people who've heard me on Radio 4, I'm different when I do stand-up.

I try to develop as much stuff that is tried and tested and I just ‘know'. I don't like to read off a script unless I'm doing a sketch. So we did that a lot more this time - loads of stand-up and then just edit in the sketches. It's funnier for the audience and they get to know you better and more quickly.

You work with a number of other writers for the radio show. How does the collaboration process for that work?

I always wonder how other people do it because what I do is "I want jokes about this" and I'm very specific about what ‘this' is because it's more like I've got a template and then I'll need the jokes filled in. So I tend to do it that way and then put it all together.

It seems a lot of sketch writers are ‘University Boys' and they don't speak with the same voice as me so it's quite difficult at first. There's only a couple of sketches in each show anyway, and if can get it to none, I'd be delighted!

The sketches that we do now I do really, really like rather than it just be for the listener needing something else. We have to put in a sketch even though we're not that crazy about it. It can't be a boring listen; you have to think about how it sounds to someone in their car, or in their kitchen. We do lots of things where you've got a single setup and then just a list of punchlines that you can divide within the cast, which is why I often use standups rather than actors because they know how to deliver a punchline.

You mention Dave Allen as making a big impression on you as a child. Who do you find that you admire on the circuit these days?

It's difficult, I've always liked Jack Dee because I like where his comedy comes from. His comedy comes from frustration and anger so I like that, but I haven't seen him for a while doing standup. Ed Byrne is fantastic. Why he's not the biggest star in Britain, I don't know. He has huge charm and his stuff comes from frustration and anger as well - it's not an anger that pushes you away - it's like a beautiful celebration of being angry and I think that's a lovely thing to create in standup.

I tend to like people like Jimmy Carr, who are very good at jokes, but I love people who, by the end of the hour you feel you know them better than you did at the beginning. That you feel it's coming from somewhere.

Do you get annoyed with people surprised to discover that you can be both a female and a comedian?

I used to, now I find it kind of fun. I did an arts club recently and there was a group of six guys aged 45-50. The compere warned me that they'd been miserable all night, they don't like anything. And they did look miserable! In a way I felt a bit sorry for them.

One of them's had the idea to come to comedy, and they're not enjoying it, so when I walked up I could see the look of "Oh, no" on their faces "Now a woman! Just when we thought it couldn't get any worse..." But at the same time I though, "I know I can get you, and this is my challenge." And I did. And by the end of it, they're laughing away with a look of surprise and nudging each other. And at that moment I feel quite cocky.

But, generally, it's more a positive now. Women go up to you and say, "I don't like female comics, but I liked you," and then I have to go, "Well, thank you for that barbed compliment."

I don't mind it so much because it doesn't go away. No matter where you go you'll meet people who will think that women can't be funny and then you know that you'll change their mind.

Thank you very much, Jo!


Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Loaded Laftas 2010

LOADED LAFTAS 2010 –

NOMINATIONS ANNOUNCED


*X-FACTOR JUDGES GO HEAD TO HEAD WITH X-FACTOR CONTESTANTS AS LOUIS & SIMON BATTLE IT OUT WITH ‘JEDWARD’ *

* NEW CATEGORIES THIS YEAR INCLUDE FUNNIEST SIDEKICK AND FUNNIEST TWITTERER*



The Loaded LAFTAS awards are set to be the comedy highlight of 2010. With the nominations out today the LAFTAS have seen an unprecedented number of votes at Loaded.co.uk and thanks to the voting public the shortlist is the most exciting and strongest to date.

2010 could get off to a great start for Michael McIntyre who leads the nominations in four categories for Funniest Man, TV Show, DVD and Stand Up. Harry Hill will fight it out with McIntyre for two gongs in the Funniest Man and TV show categories.

Shooting Stars receives a very welcome return with a nomination in the Funniest Panel Show category and Vic and Bob also get a nomination for Funniest Double Act. At long last X-Factor judges will go head to head with X-Factor contestants, as ‘Jedward’ and Simon Cowell & Louis Walsh join Vic and Bob with a nomination for the Funniest Double Act. It’s a good year for BBC Radio One which receives three nominations under the new Funniest Sidekick category.

Once again the glittering lunchtime awards ceremony will take place at London’s exclusive venue, The Cuckoo Club on Wednesday 27th January from 12pm. 2010 will celebrate the LAFTAS seventh event and this year the awards are in association with Durex Ora!, the new social networking site for all the Durex enthusiasts out there!

Loaded Editor Martin Daubney explains: "I am more excited about this year’s awards than ever before. The list of nominations shows how incredibly diverse British comedy has become, across live stand up, television, radio and film - and it’s always good to see that the American sense of humour works so well this side of the pond. As usual, I am hoping that the event in January will be as raucous as ever and I’m looking forward to introducing our lovely host Olivia Lee, on the day.”

Comedy fans can log onto loaded.co.uk and cast a vote for their favourite from Wednesday 2nd December 9am. Voting will close on January 20th.

Loaded LAFTAS 2010 Nominations: (in alphabetical order)
Funniest Man

Dara O Briain
Justin Lee Collins
Harry Hill
Russell Howard
Michael McIntyre

Funniest Woman
Jo Brand
Katy Brand
Jo Caulfield
Sarah Silverman
Isy Suttie

Funniest Show On TV
Benidorm
Harry Hill’s TV Burp
Michael McIntyre’s Comedy Roadshow
Peep Show
The Inbetweeners

Funniest Comedy Panel Show
8 out of 10 Cats
Have I got News For You
Mock The Week
Never Mind The Buzzcocks
Shooting Stars

Funniest Film
Bruno
In the Loop
The Hangover
Role Models
Zombieland

Best Stand Up
Bill Bailey
Rob Brydon
Jimmy Carr
Jason Manford
Michael McIntyre

Funniest Double Act
Adam & Joe
Jedward
Miller & Armstrong
Simon Cowell and Louis Walsh
Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer

Funniest Podcast
Adam & Joe
Chris Moyles
Frankie Boyle
Rhod Gilbert
Richard Herring

Funniest TV Personality
Alan Carr
Richard Hammond
Graham Norton
Paul O’Grady
Jonathan Ross

Funniest DVD
Jimmy Carr - Telling Jokes
Rhod Gilbert and the award Winning Mince Pie
Russell Howard – Dingledodies
Eddie Izzard Live Stripped
Michael McIntyre Live 2009

Funniest Newspaper Columnist
Charlie Brooker, The Guardian
Jeremy Clarkson, The Sun
AA Gill, The Times
Joe Mott, Daily Star Sunday
Gordon Smart, The Sun

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Won't Shut Up Tour 2010

Tickets on sale now!!

28-Jan-10 Fareham Ashcroft Arts Centre (Box Office: 01329 223)

29-Jan-10 Oxford North Wall (Box Office: 01865 319 450)

30-Jan-10 Norwich Playhouse (Box Office: 01603 598 598)

02-Feb-10 Cheltenham Town Hall (Box Office: 08445 762 210)

03-Feb-10 Bromsgrove Artrix (Box Office: 01527 577 330)

04-Feb-10 Bristol Hen and Chickens (Box Office: 01179 020 344)

05-Feb-10 Chipping Norton Theatre (Box Office: 01608 642 350)

06-Feb-10 Wolverhampton Wulfrun Hall (Box Office: 08703 207 000)

10-Feb-10 Bath Rondo (Box Office: 01225 463 362)

11-Feb-10 Derby Darwin Suite (Box Office: 01332 255 800)

13-Feb-10 Kendal Brewery Arts (Box Office: 01539 725 133)

14-Feb-10 Hull Truck Theatre (Box Office: 01482 323 638)

17-Feb-10 Stockton Arts Theatre (Box Office: 01642 525 199)

18-Feb-10 Burnley Mechanics (Box Office: 01282 664 400)

19-Feb-10 Harrow Arts Centre (Box Office: 02084 168 989)

20-Feb-10 Swindon Arts Centre (Box Office: 01793 614 837)

24-Feb-10 Brighton Komedia (Box Office: 08452 938 480)

25-Feb-10 Milton Keynes The Stables (Box Office: 01908 280 800)

26-Feb-10 Cambridge Junction (Box Office: 01223 511 511)

27-Feb-10 Didcot Cornerstone (Box Office: 01235 515 144)

28-Feb-10 Portsmouth Wedgwood Rooms (Box Office: 02392 863 911)

03-Mar-10 High Wycombe Town Hall (Box Office: 01494 512 000)

04-Mar-10 Exeter Phoenix (Box Office: 01392 667 080)

05-Mar-10 Farnham Maltings (Box Office: 01252 745 444)

06-Mar-10 Maidenhead Norden Farm Arts (Box Office: 01628 788 997)

07-Mar-10 Coventry Warwick Arts Centre (Box Office: 02476 524 524)

10-Mar-10 Canterbury Gulbenkian (Box Office: 01227 769 075)

11-Mar-10 Reading South Street (Box Office: 01189 606 060)

12-Mar-10 Taunton Brewhouse (Box Office: 01823 283 244)

13-Mar-10 Warrington Pyramid (Box Office: 01925 442 345)

14-Mar-10 Sheffield Memorial Hall (Box Office: 0114 2 789 789)

17-Mar-10 Cardiff St David's Hall (Box Office: 02920 878 444)

18-Mar-10 Nottingham Lakeside Centre (Box Office: 01158 467 777)

19-Mar-10 Lincoln Drill Hall (Box Office: 01522 873 894)

20-Mar-10 Colchester Arts Centre (Box Office: 01206 500 900)

21-Mar-10 Basingstoke The Forge (Box Office: 01256 844 244)

25-Mar-10 Leicester Y Theatre (Box Office: 01162 557 066)

26-Mar-10 Tunbridge Wells Trinity Theatre (Box Office: 01892 678 678)

28-Mar-10 Glasgow Oran Mor (Box Office: 0844 395 4005)

29-Mar-10 Aberdeen Lemon Tree (Box Office: 01224 641 122)

30-Mar-10 Dundee Dundee Rep (Box Office: 01382 223 530)

08-Apr-10 Harrogate Theatre (Box Office: 01423 502 116)

10-Apr-10 Leeds The Library (Box Office: 01132 440 794)

11-Apr-10 York City Screen (Box Office: 08717 042 054)

15-Apr-10 Huddersfield Lawrence Batley (Box Office: 01484 430 528)

16-Apr-10 Darlington Arts Centre (Box Office: 01325 486 555)

17-Apr-10 Bradford Alhambra Studio (Box Office: 01274 432 000)

18-Apr-10 Salford Lowry (Box Office: 08707 875 780)

25-Apr-10 Lancaster The Dukes (Box Office: 01524 598 500)

Monday, November 09, 2009

Did You Hear This...?

“JO CAULFIELD WON’T SHUT UP!”
New Radio 4 Comedy Series
Starts: Tuesday 10th November (6.30pm)


Jo Caulfield back on Radio 4 with new show

Described by The Scotsman as “A wit so sharp it could slice through steel” and by The Herald as “One of the funniest woman on the airwaves” Jo Caulfield is back on Radio 4 with a new show ‘Jo Caulfield Won’t Shut Up.’

With her glorious mixture of bitchy friendliness, waspish likeability and foot-in-mouth populism, the funniest female stand-up on Radio 4 is back with a 4-part show from Tuesday 10th November at 18:30pm.

In the new show, working for the first time with producer David Tyler for Pozzitive - producer of other Radio 4 gems like Cabin Pressure, Bigipedia, Giles Wembley Hogg and Armando Iannucci’s Charm Offensive - Jo will be, as ever, failing to Shut Up about love, marriage, dating, celebrity, newspapers, money, Tony Benn, sex, pubs, parties and quite possibly Scotland.

See www.jocaulfield.com for more details

If you wish to unsubscribe, please destroy your computer.

Drunk On Life (From Northwest Magazine)

Jo Caulfield: Drunk on life (from NORTHWEST magazine)

East Finchley’s Jo Caulfield was a waitress before abruptly switching career paths and joining the stand-up circuit. Asked where she waited tables, she quips: “I worked in Hell… If Hell serves barbecue sauce and fries with everything! The true answer is every restaurant I ever worked in is now closed down. Read into that what you may.”

The food industry’s loss was entertainment’s gain. She swears she’d never considered stand-up before drunkenly entering an open mike competition at The Comedy Café in Old Street years ago. With no material prepared in advance and nearly drowning in her own Dutch courage, she nevertheless won and was booked for a 10-minute slot the following week.

“I never saw comedy as a career plan,” she insists. “When I went to the Comedy Café I had no idea you could make a living out of comedy. I just wanted to know if I could make people laugh. And show off.”

Once she’d had a taste of working on stage, Jo was advised that regular compering would help her to improve as a comic. She used her waitressing tips to buy a cheap microphone and a small amplifier, then opened her own comedy club in the basement bar of The White Horse in Hampstead. Through hosting the club The Hampstead Clinic every week for five years, Jo honed her ability to banter with the audience and improvise on their comments.

It seems to have worked. Just ask the critics – The Guardian called her “one of the funniest female comics in the country”, while the Evening Standard claimed Jo is “definitely the rising star of women’s comedy”. The Observer weighed in, insisting she’s “an inspiration to would-be female comics”, and The Scotsman said she’s in possession of “a wit so sharp it could slice through steel”.

Jo is frequently in TV studios, appearing on programmes such as Mock The Week, Have I Got News For You and Never Mind The Buzzcocks. She’s also been one of the most highly sought after warm-up artists in television, working live studio audiences into laughing fits before the cameras roll on shows like Have I Got News For You, Room 101, Alistair McGowan’s Big Impression, Bremner, Bird and Fortune and Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps.

She worked on all five series of the BAFTA-award-winning show So Graham Norton as studio warm-up, consultant and writer (“We share a common interest in boys, alcohol and spreading vicious rumours,” she says of her relationship with the camp Irishman), and she’s also written material for Joan Rivers, Anne Robinson, Denise Van Outen, Ruby Wax and Ant and Dec. This summer she’s returning to the Edinburgh Festival, where her acerbic, wit-filled shows are legendary sell-outs that cover the huge range of subjects that vex her. “Apart from the banking crisis and thieving politicians, I’ll be tackling my favourite subjects: dating, relationships, my drunken friends, their ugly children and my husband.”

Her husband, whom she met at a club in North London, frequently appears as the butt of jokes. “He makes me laugh more than anyone else,” she explains, “although not always intentionally. Sometimes I think being married is like being a scientist; the house is my laboratory, and I’m studying him. I’ll be watching him thinking, ‘What the f**k is he going to do next?’… Yesterday he sellotaped the TV remote to the Radio Times. Good idea, but that’s not normal, is it?”

This is a typical exchange with Jo: quick, sharp and sweetly painful. “I don’t deliberately set out to criticise. I won’t do anything mean,” she says. What she will do is highlight the absurdity and frustrations of everyday situations, and her observations are instantly resonant with audiences. She describes her “small but perfectly formed” fan base as “people who want to laugh and drink and celebrate the disappointments of modern life”.

When she first set down her order pad and grabbed the microphone, it was Budvar that fuelled her efforts, so I assume it’s still her lucky drink today. Not so, she says. “I like a nice cold glass of vodka and Red Bull. But without the Red Bull.” Why am I not surprised? It’s a drink as feisty, clear and refreshing as the comedienne herself.

Jo Caulfield's new Radio 4 comedy series Jo Caulfield Won’t Shut Up airs from November 10th at 6.30pm

Monday, November 02, 2009

Download Illegal Music?

Illegal Downloaders 'Spend The Most On Music' Says Poll

Crackdown on music piracy could further harm ailing industry
By Rachel Shields
Sunday, 1 November 2009

People who illegally download music from the internet also spend more money on music than anyone else, according to a new study. The survey, published today, found that those who admit illegally downloading music spent an average of £77 a year on music - £33 more than those who claim that they never download music dishonestly.

Read the rest of the article HERE...

New Radio Series

Printed on UKPRwire

Jo Caulfield Back On Radio 4 With New Show


Described by The Scotsman as having “A wit so sharp it could slice through steel” and by The Herald as “One of the funniest woman on the airwaves” Jo Caulfield is back on BBC Radio 4 with a new show ‘Jo Caulfield Won’t Shut Up.’


[UKPRwire, Tue Oct 27 2009] Described by The Scotsman as having “A wit so sharp it could slice through steel” and by The Herald as “One of the funniest woman on the airwaves” Jo Caulfield is back on BBC Radio 4 with a new show ‘Jo Caulfield Won’t Shut Up.’

With her glorious mixture of bitchy friendliness, waspish likeability and foot-in-mouth populism, the funniest female stand-up on Radio 4 is back with a 4 part show from Tuesday 10th November at 18:30pm.

In the new show, working for the first time with producer David Tyler for Pozzitive - producer of other Radio 4 gems like Cabin Pressure, Bigipedia, Giles Wemmbley Hogg Goes Off and Armando Iannucci’s Charm Offensive - Jo will be, as ever, failing to Shut Up about love, marriage, dating, celebrity, newspapers, money, cats, sex, pubs, parties and quite possibly Scotland.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Cleanin' Out My Closet ... Again!

Tonight Matthew, I'm going to be ...... Eminem.

Yes I'm cleanin' out my closet. I was deleting some old files when I came across a stack of stuff I'd written for BBC's Have I Got News For You (June 2009). Some of it I said, some of it got cut out and some of it I forgot. Although it's a topical show this material hasn't dated as much as I thought it would - maybe because we're still screwed politically.

Must mention Matt Ross (very talented comedy writer) who worked with me on this.


How is Gordon Brown coping?
Says he’s not going to quit, says he’s best man for the job, says he’s got everyone’s full support ... Isn’t that what football managers always say right before they get sacked?

The Labour Party’s forecast to have its worst results in the local/Euro elections making it the least popular party since Gary Glitter’s last sleepover

Fear of losing to BNP and UKIP ... anyone with initials ... they’re terrified of DFS

He’s refusing to go – I reckon they’ll need bailiffs to get him out – he’ll be claiming squatter’s rights next.

No-one’s pissed away their legacy this badly since George Lucas made the Phantom Menace

On Gordon Brown getting slaughtered in the Press for refusing to go despite calls for him to step down:
He’s like Nero ... everyone’s fiddling while he burns

Things are so bad for Gordon Brown, I hear Susan Boyle’s phoned him to see how he’s doing

I agree with Brown. He should stay on. He’d be stupid to resign now ... in the middle of a recession ... with record unemployment ... how’s he going to find another job?

Alistair Darling
Changed his second home four times in four years – rumour of demotion/reshuffle to Home Secretary:

Alastair Darling is rumoured to being moved to Home Secretary – he’d be good at that, he’s got enough of them.

Darling says he’s going to pay back his expenses ... and then it turns out he’s got the amount wrong ... now I’m no economist, but I’ve got a pretty good idea why things have gone so bad.

Why does he keep changing house? Is he in the witness relocation programme?

Michael Howard’s Garden
Michael Howard claimed £17,000 for gardening costs

Michael Howard claims to be the 31st cheapest MP – it’s meaningless, you’re still in there with them ... it’s like claiming to be the:
31st most safest paedophile
31st most popular Coldplay song
31st prettiest prostitute
31st least dangerous psychopath
31st footballer to go out with Danielle Lloyd
31st bloke Jordan’s been pictured with this week
31st bandwagon Cameron’s jumped on this week
31st most embarrassing STD

Michael Howard’s garden cost £17,000 – bet he didn’t grow any garlic

Michael Howard’s garden got expensive when his labour went back to Eastern Europe ... and those Transylvanian gardeners are hard to find

Michael Howard’s garden cost £17,000 ... fair enough, all those marble tombstones can’t be cheap

Jacqui Smith Talks About Quitting
Jacqui Smith’s expenses now show she claimed for an iPhone for her husband:

Probably to give him something to do with his hands!

It seems the more money she gets the worse she becomes ... I call it the:
Fiona Phillips principle
Michael Owen principle
Robbie Williams principle
Dimitar Berbatov principle

It seems the more money she gets the more slappable/annoying she becomes ... I call it the:
Fiona Phillips principle
Kate Garraway principle
Peaches Geldof principle
Ashley Cole principle

Jacqui Smith Does Quit:
Jacqui Smith always has that fixed grin, it’s like watching a space-hopper talking about immigration

She says she’s resigning as she wants to fight for her seat ... the bailiffs are coming next Tuesday to repossess her furniture

That awful black and white outfit and that fake smile ... she looked like an insincere panda

Hazel Blears Quits
I had the telly on and thought Hazel Blears is looking a lot better these days ... it was ten minutes before I realised it was actually Chesney from Coronation Street.

So now Hazel Blears has turned on Gordon Brown and stabbed him in the knees.

She says she never sought “High Office” ... just as well, she wouldn’t be able to reach it

Does anyone else look at Hazel Blears and think Cilla Black shrunk in the wash?
Does anyone else look at Hazel Blears and think she could be Cilla Black’s mini-me?
Hazel Blears ... she’s like one of those pet chinchillas ... it looks all cute and bouncy, but you know that it’ll gnaw your eyes out given half the chance.
Hazel Blears ... she’s like an evil Oompa Loompa.
Hazel Blears ... the only person who needs a stepladder to stab you in the back.
Hazel Blears ... all short, spiteful and ginger ... she’s like Basil Brush’s evil twin.
Hazel Blears ... all small and nippy ... reminds me of a Jack Russell we used to have ... horrible little thing yapping round your ankles ... it was a nice dog though.
I put the telly on the other night, and thought Geri Halliwell’s really let herself go.
Hazel Blears ... small, ginger and perky ... she’s like Basil Brush on speed.
Hazel Blears ... think about it ... you’ve never seen her and Ron Weasley in the same room together, have you?

Queen Not Invited To D-Day Events
Royal Family invited through Obama intervention, not invited by Gordon Brown

Sarkozy accused of not inviting British:

So what if Sarkozy doesn’t want the Queen at his event ... she should do what all spurned women do if their former partner’s having a party ... arrange one of her own. Hold it at Portsmouth where all the boats set off from and then invite everyone. See who gets the most people turn up ... and seeing as Brown’s already said he’s going to France, I’m guessing it won’t be France.

The Royals weren’t invited but Obama fixed it for them to go on the guest list ... he can fix anything for anyone ... he’s like a popular John Barrowman.

Prince Charles is now going to the D-Day celebrations:
Makes a change, it’ll be the first time the Americans got to a French battlefield before the British ...they were two years late last time

Sarkozy ... he just doesn’t look like a politician ... he’s reminds me of that little Frenchman who used to do Eurotrash on Channel 4

Sarkozy and Obama, both incredibly popular ... both married to very glamorous women ... that’s where Gordon Brown’s going wrong ... but lucky for him, Jordan’s single again.

5 MPs quit on the same day
With so many people walking out around him – Gordon must think he’s at a Coldplay concert / watching Middlesborough ... he’s like the Anti-Alan-Sugar.

Apparently a total of 15 Labour MPs have said they’re resigning – do you think they’re a Lottery winning syndicate?

At this rate, he’s not going to have much left to reshuffle is he?

Swine Flu Hits Eton
4 pupils diagnosed with Swine Flu, Eton closed for a week

Typical, we never got any fancy new diseases at my old comprehensive, we were lucky to get nits

Britain’s Got Talent – Susan Boyle
Gordon Brown likes his telly doesn’t he ... first he gives a tribute to Jade Goody and this week he’s been saying he watched Britain’s Got Talent, and then we find out he’s been calling Simon Cowell. And then I heard him say he wants to clean up the House, I thought “Oh no, he’ s not going on Kim and Aggie”

Gordon Brown/Susan Boyle – two socially inept Scottish losers

Gordon Brown refuses to call an election saying he’s the right man for the job and then he’s phoning Simon Cowell to talk about Susan Boyle – glad he’s got his priorities right!

Gordon Brown refuses to call an election saying he’s busy sorting out the mess the country’s in ... oh yeah, so why’s he’s chatting about Britain’s Got Talent and phoning Simon Cowell! Big Brother’s back this week ... and we know he loves Big Brother, remember his touching tribute to Jade? So don’t expect him to do much for the next 10 weeks

Big Brother:
Big Brother’s back this week, but this year they’re not providing the live 24 hour feed ... which is bad news for Gordon Brown as it looks as though he’s going to have a lot of free time this Summer.

Esther Rantzen MP:
Esther Rantzen has won the support of the people of Luton to stand for Parliament.
Most of Luton seem keen on the idea, the only person not keen on Esther becoming an MP is her daughter who said, “It’s a lot of work — and I thought we were going to plan my wedding,”

Esther is obviously an experienced presenter, so she could be the new Speaker ... accompanied by Richard Stilgoe on the piano.

Katie Hopkins from Apprentice standing as a Euro MEP:
You’ve got Esther Rantzen wanting to be an MP, and Katie Hopkins from the Apprentice standing in the Euro Election ... politics is being taken over by gameshow contestants ... at this rate the next speaker will be Bruce Forsyth.

I think all MPs should be celebrities, then you could feel smart reading “Heat” ... torso of the week, Shadow Chancellor Peter Andre

If celebrities want to be MPs, we really don’t want MPs becoming celebrities ... you don’t want to see Hazel Blears flashing her pants as she falls out a nightclub do you?

Esther wants to stand for Luton, so:

Michael Barrymore, Poole
Jordan, Cockermouth
Geri Haliwell, Barking
Peter Andre, Littlehampton
Jane Asher, Bakewell

Stockbridge Library, Edinburgh

Written for The Scotsman. It really is a great library and after this was published I got extra special treatment from the staff.

STOCKBRIDGE LIBRARY by JO CAULFIELD

For the fourth festival in a row I’m staying within walking distance of my favourite place in Edinburgh - Stockbridge Library.
Yes, whoever said comedy is the new rock and roll wasn’t lying.
Sober or nursing a hangover, I patronise this beautiful and practical building virtually every day during my month in the city.
Stockbridge itself is gorgeous with its village atmosphere of tea houses, cafes, basement pubs and lovely surrounding scenery.
So where can you retreat to when you are already staying in a heavenly part of the world?
For me it is the Stockbridge Library.
Now I’m not sure if my old English teacher, Mr Gilchrist, has followed my career closely but he would be astonished to hear me expound the virtues of a library.
But I may have been able to pass my A-Levels if a library in those days was as an enjoyable place to visit as Stockbridge library.
There are countless interests to occupy my time in a relaxing atmosphere.
I can read the classics while losing £10 playing internet poker.
I can peruse reviews of my show while losing £20 playing internet poker.
I can research the history of Scotland while losing £50 playing internet poker.
I can have a coffee and read the papers while losing £100 playing
internet poker.
And also for a library it has an excellent selection of books.
Although frustratingly “How to win at internet poker” is rarely on the shelves.
But it isn’t money that makes the world go round but the enthusiasm of people. And there are few people less enthusiastic than the staff at Stockbridge library.
They are infectious and helpful and they add to the pleasure of frequenting the establishment.
I’m also impressed that a library can have a WII console – that keeps the under 7s and my husband entertained.
So, I hear you ask - if I spend so much in an Edinburgh library what books would I recommend?
Well, in no particular order, essential reading matter for me to while away my time in Scotland is The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie, any Ian Rankin thriller, the John Lewis catalogue and the Shuggie and Duggie cartoon in the Daily Record.
I don’t expect it to overtake the Castle as the place to visit while in Edinburgh and it is just as well it doesn’t.
Because to me the Stockbridge Library is my oasis of calm during the hustle and bustle of Edinburgh during August.

Things To Do In Edinburgh

Written for the BBC Culture Show (Oooh! Get me). This is very classy stuff and proves I have 'culture' coming out my ass.

JO CAULFIELD EDINBURGH SUGGESTIONS.

THE WHISKY SOCIETY

It’s a beautiful building on Queen St, all very Gentlemen’s club like, fabulous staircases, huge windows and high ceilings. But it’s not remotely snobby. It’s perfectly acceptable to get drunk and ask stupid questions about whisky.
The staff make it a real occasion, they basically spend the evening telling you about all the different whiskies and what area produces what type.
Believe me very soon you will imagine you know what you’re talking about and it’s thoroughly enjoyable to talk bollocks about whisky – “Oh yes, I’m getting peat with a hint of caramel”.

EDINBURGH MODEL BOAT CLUB
I came across these glorious men (and it is all men!) and their model boats by chance in Inverleith Park.
The Park is well worth a look in itself but on regatta day – truly a treat. They had racecourses set up for the boats, which range from miniature warships to cruisers to tugs. They sit drinking tea and race their boats. Times are recorded and it is all very serious in a completely silly way. Many of the men are wearing Captains hats. One member told me how the Swans have to be removed, as they kept attacking the boats.
According to their website the next Regatta will be on Sunday 16th August, there’s also something about meeting in a beer tent on Sun 19th after a boat showing – I’ll going to that one!

CC BLOOMS
A Gay club on Picardy place, opposite the Italian Restaurants.
I have a friend originally from Edinburgh and if ever we find ourselves in CC Blooms we will always text each other. “In CC’s” means I’m VERY drunk and have put aside all plans and ambitions for the foreseeable future.
CC Blooms is unlike any other gay club - well for a start there are very few men that look well dressed enough to be gay.
All human life is here – drunk. Very young gay men who run around as though it’s a school playground – screeching and gossiping, Hen parties doing much the same thing but all in matching outfits, trannies, mannies, grannies, straight men who’re too drunk to care where they are and are enjoying getting in touch with their gayness, people who want to tell you their problems, people who want to marry you, odd men from Fife who stand in their anoraks contemplating ‘coming out’, It’s a wonderful celebration of vice.
In the song “Let me take you to funky town” this is where they would take you.

THE WATER OF LEITH
Even the name of it is like something from Brigadoon. The Water of Leith runs from Leith all the way to Balerno, it’s 13 miles but let’s not get crazy with healthy pursuits. I walk a short bit of it going through Dean Village, where there are beautiful 18th century ivy covered mansions and old 17th century mill cottages, up by botanical gardens and the Gallery of modern Art where you can get that great Scottish masterpiece – homemade soup and a roll. Scotland is king for homemade soups.

COCKTAILS IN THE DRAWING ROOM AT THE BALMORAL HOTEL
A lovely girly thing to do. I met a friend for drinks here and it was like drinking gin in the womb – which I think of as a nice and relaxing thing to do.
The Barman was ancient and completely charming. And like the whisky club although the surroundings are beautiful and very posh – you don’t have to be.
Whilst we were there a lovely old Edinburgh lady got up and sang at the piano. I don’t know if anyone can do that, for all I know she owns the Balmoral, more likely she’d just had too much champagne.

THE TARTAN EXPERIENCE
Ok, I realize this sounds like the tackiest ‘McTourist’ thing you can do BUT……..
It’s actually really interesting. The place is huge inside and has mock ups of weaver’s homes and tells the whole story of tartans and tweeds. Also I found the gentle, ‘thwack ‘ of the working looms incredibly soothing.

THE FREE FRINGE
Go and see someone you’ve never heard of at the Free Fringe. Last year I had a fantastic hour seeing Rob Deb’s show “The Dork Night Returns”. This year I’m going to see his new show “Rob Deb V’s Army of Dorkness” – (do you see what he’s done there?).
The show was in the Jekyll and Hyde Pub – a perfect venue for a meeting of geeks. Rob is a genuine geek, not a trendy geek liking everything in an ‘ironic’ way. No Rob’s the real thing, a joyous enthusiast who dresses badly and lives with his mother.
He told stories of his long love affair with all things Batman. Then there was a question and answer session, which I have to confess I hardly understood a word, having an only basic knowledge of Batman. But it was a show filled with warmth and self deprecating humour that had me wanting to run off to a convention and become a geek.
The Jekyll and Hyde is on Hanover Street.
Tip: the ladies toilets are reached through a hidden door in a bookcase.

Also just to make it ten – The Italian restaurants at the top of Leith Walk (great food served till 2am), The Commonwealth Pool and Duddingston Village.

“JO CAULFIELD: WON’T SHUT UP!”
8.00pm
The Stand Comedy Club
5 York Place, Edinburgh
(Thursday 6th – Sunday 30th August)

Ticket Prices At Edinburgh Festival 2009

I wrote this for someone (was it Fest magazine or was it a website? Can't remember) in July 2009 - it's about the rising ticket prices at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

FEST BLOG by Jo Caulfield

I'm already being congratulated for my show – and the festival hasn't even started yet. Sadly for my ego, I’m not being congratulated on the content but on the price - £9.
Keeping the price low was a conscious decision. Most people who come to see Stand-Up shows at the Festival are big comedy fans and they’ll be paying to see several shows. I think they should be rewarded for investing in the festival. They should get some ‘deals’ for coming and supporting the Comedy. I really don’t think comedy should be about ripping people off - just becausesomeone will pay £14 for a ticket doesn’t make it right for me to charge that.
Edinburgh is an expensive place to come in August, hotel prices are at a maximum, train fares are ridiculous and confusing, even some restaurants put up their prices just for August. If we want to ensure the festival is still here in 10 years time we have to make it more affordable.

It needs to be affordable to audiences but also to comics.
Generally audiences are paying money to see comics who are losing money. It’s simple economics. In the main venues the cost of putting on a show can be so high that only the bigger name comics will make a profit. I’m not pointing fingers, it’s just the reality and it’s a deal that comics do willingly. It’s an investment, there’s no dispute in my eyes; coming to Edinburgh makes you a better comedian. You stretch yourself, you write new material, you grow as a performer.

But we need to get the balance right and stop the excesses that could ruin the Festival. At The Stand Comedy Club Tommy Shepherd seems to be able to somehow please audiences and comics with the way he runs the finances. The man’s a genius. A rich genius that drives a merc, so he’s doing well by playing fair.

I also think the burgeoning free fringe and the £5 fringe are both great ideas. At those prices festival goers are more likely to take a risk on seeing someone they’ve never heard of; that’s great for the performers and the audience
It also brings back the spirit of experimentation and fun that’s being lost in all ‘the business’ of the Festival.

And now just so people don’t think my show will be a lecture on the economics of comedy – here’s a joke

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To avoid the comedian handing out leaflets.

Sad but true.

Saturday, July 04, 2009

Threeweeks Interview / Edinburgh Festival Tips



Q1: What is your 2009 show all about?
No theme. Just as much material as I can force into 60 minutes.
I’ve got so many things to talk about: drunken girlfriends, ugly children, identity theft, sex, relationships, my ideas for Dragons Den inventions and possibly a 5 point plan to solve the current economic crisis.

Q2: Why should we come and see it?
Because Jo Caulfield’s in it and I hear she’s very good.

Q3: If your show was a superhero, what would his or her super power be?
Cat woman. An anti-hero. Making catty remarks in a great outfit – what more could a girl want.
Q4: What are you most looking forward to about this year's Edinburgh Festival?
Living in a flat that is my much nicer than where I live in London, eating in the Italian restaurants at the top of Leith Walk, buying homemade soup, walking round Edinburgh at night – it’s like being drunk in fairyland.

Q5: What are you least looking forward to about this year's Edinburgh Festival?
Conversations with media people/TV producers who know nothing about comedy.

Q6: What advice would you give to an audience member coming to the Fringe for the first time?
Don’t pack sandals, do wander into bars and talk to strangers. Also don’t leave without seeing a Scottish comedian – you’re in Scotland!
I’d recommend “Vladimir McTavish’s The Top 50 Greatest Scots Of All Time Ever” (The Stand) or “Kevin Bridges” – it’s a cliché to say he’s the next Frankie Boyle but…. ‘he’s the next Frankie Boyle’. Funny, likable and interesting.

Q7: Other than your own show, what's your hot show tip for Edinburgh 2009?
Caroline Maybe’s “GO GO GO COFFEE SHOW” (Beehive Inn). I find Caroline hilarious and will definitely go and see her doing her first solo hour. I’ve no idea what she’s doing …. something about a coffee pot. It’s free and she’s great, what more can I say. (Warning: she does steal drinks).

Q8: Describe your show in three words

Claws fully extended.




Friday, May 22, 2009

Smile Please!

Everybody's got a camera nowadays.

I think between the years 1979 and 1997 the only time I took a photo was on holiday - and I still haven't developed half of them.

But nowadays everyone's taking snaps with mobile phones and sending me the picture.

To be honest, I can never be bothered downloading them. I delete them straight away.

And I've read that 8 out of 10 people do the same thing.

So please remember that the next time you send someone a photo of your baby - there's an 80% chance the person at the other end is going, "Oh, who fucking cares? I can't be doing with this crap!" - DELETE!

Anyway, we know what your baby will look like - it'll look like you - but with less hair.

Oh sorry, that's your husband I'm thinking of.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Westside Magazine: Another Interview

Where did you grow up?

My parents are Irish but I was brought up all over England. My Dad was in the Air Force so we moved from camp to camp every couple of years.

My all-important informative teenage years were spent in Melton Mowbray – the Las Vegas of Leicestershire.

Where about in London do you live and why?

North London.

I’d always lived in/around the Fulham/Hammersmith area but when I met my husband he was a postman in North London – so we have to live near his work.

You were a waitress for 10 years before becoming a comedienne – where are some of the places you worked?

I worked in Hell. If Hell serves BBQ sauce and deep-fries everything.

I wasn’t a very good waitress. I was a real maverick. I took orders from no one. (One of the first jokes I ever wrote!)

I also worked in “TFI Friday” – or as we called it “TFI the boss is a w*****r”

The true answer is – every restaurant I ever worked in is now closed down! Read into that what you may.

You and Graham Norton work together a lot – what is it you see in each other?

We share a common interest in boys, alcohol and spreading vicious rumours.

I haven’t written for Graham in about 2 years. I’m just too busy to do it anymore but it was a great job. What better job could you have than sitting in a room, eating free food and laughing at meaningless celebrities?

What topics might you cover at the Ealing Festival?

Well, apart from the banking crisis and thieving politicians I’ll be tackling my favourite subjects: dating, relationships, my drunken friends, their ugly children, and my husband.

Dating Advice – “On my 16th birthday my strict Catholic mother told me, ‘When you go out with boys, whatever happens don’t let him touch you below the waist’. Luckily I’d learnt how to do handstands by then.”

Mothers – “I sometimes worry I’m turning into my mother. Which is both good and bad. On the down side she’s a judgemental narrow-minded emotionally stunted old bat. But on the upside she’s got no mortgage.”

Married Life – “When you send your partner out shopping, do you ever put a couple of items on the list that don’t actually exist just to keep him out of the house a bit longer?”

Kate Moss – “Kate Moss has said she’s doing another range of outfits for Topshop, which I’m delighted about. For years I’ve wanted to dress like a scrawny, promiscuous ex cokehead but there just hasn’t been the right choice of clothes around.”

Had you really, really, really never considered becoming a comedienne before entering a stand-up contest at the Comedy Café?

As a kid I had loved the ‘Dave Allen Show’, which is probably a strange thing for a 7 year old girl to be into, but I was riveted by this man sitting in a chair, with a drink in his had, just talking.

But I never saw comedy as a career plan. When I went to the Comedy Café I had no idea you could make a living out of comedy. I just wanted to know if I could make people laugh. And show off.

It’s different now; people come straight out of University and start doing comedy. People actually do degrees in comedy, which is totally ridiculous. What a waste of Taxpayers money!

(And when I say ‘People’ I mean dreadfully over-confident well-heeled middle-class boys who have no life experiences to draw from. Bitter? I hate them all!)

Your website says that in preparation for the contest you wrote down a few jokes that made your friends laugh. Do you have particularly funny friends?

My friends crack me up – but usually for the wrong reasons. I’ve never known a group of people get into so many ridiculous situations without trying!

The site also says you got drunk before the contest – do you remember what you were drinking?

I was drinking bottles of Budvar.

What’s your go-to beverage for getting through the summer months?

I like a nice cold glass of Vodka and Redbull. But without the Redbull.

Your Scottish husband sometimes gets to be the butt of your jokes. Where did you two meet?

We met at a club in North London.

My husband makes me laugh more than anyone else. Although not always intentionally.
Sometimes I think being married is like being a scientist, the house is my laboratory, and I’m studying him.
I’ll be watching him thinking, “What the f**k is he going to do next?”
Yesterday he sellotaped the TV remote to the Radio Times. Good idea but that’s not normal, is it?

Some people have called you critical. Is there anything in life that’s too flawless for you to criticise?

I don’t deliberately set out to criticise. I won’t do anything mean.

How would you describe your fan base?

Small but perfectly formed.

Hanna Montana has ‘fans’. I have people who want to laugh and drink and celebrate the disappointments of modern life.

I’m always surprised at the complete cross section I get. Obviously there’s women of all ages but now because of Mock The Week I’m getting a lot of teenage boys. In fact I get lots of Mum and/or Dad and teenage children combos. Though I’m certainly not a ‘family’ show.

My new Radio 4 comedy series “JO CAULFIELD WON’T SHUT UP!” starts on Tuesday 20th October. 6.30pm

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Jo Caulfield: Won't Shut Up!

JO CAULFIELD: WON’T SHUT UP!
The Stand Comedy Club, 5 York Place, Edinburgh
8pm (Thursday 6th – Sunday 30th August)

If you’re going to the Edinburgh Festival this August I’ll be at the award-winning Stand Comedy Club every night with my brand new show “JO CAULFIELD: WON’T SHUT UP!”

And what’s the subject matter?

Well, this year I’ll be talking about dating, and relationships, and sex. I’ve worked out a 5 point plan to solve the current economic crisis and I’ve got a bunch of ideas for Dragons Den inventions. I’ll also be tackling my drunken girlfriends, their ugly children, my Scottish husband and his fascination with large breasts.

I'm pretty sure there'll also be stuff about identity theft, childproof toilet seats, Kate Moss, Siouxsie & the Banshees, international terrorism and Siouxsie & the Banshees involvement in international terrorism. But don't hold me to it.

Dating Advice – “On my 16th birthday my strict Catholic mother told me, ‘When you go out with boys, whatever happens don’t let him touch you below the waist’. Luckily I’d learnt how to do handstands by then.”

Mothers – “I sometimes worry I’m turning into my mother. Which is both good and bad. On the down side she’s a judgemental narrow-minded emotionally stunted old bat. But on the upside she’s got no mortgage.”

Relationships – “I remember the day my husband got down on one knee and nervously asked me the question he hoped I’d say yes to… but I said no… for the last time I am not getting breast implants."

Married Life – “When you send your partner out shopping, do you ever put a couple of items on the list that don’t actually exist just to keep him out of the house a bit longer?”

Kate Moss – “Kate Moss has said she’s doing another range of outfits for Topshop, which I’m delighted about. For years I’ve wanted to dress like a scrawny, promiscuous ex cokehead but there just hasn’t been the right choice of clothes around.”

Jade Goody – “Jade is to be honoured with a brass plaque near her childhood home in South London. This will commemorate two facts; (1) Jade helped increase awareness of the importance of regular screening for cervical cancer, and (2) Bermondsey community council has far too much money to waste, sorry I mean spend."

The Recession – “I think the recession’s going to split up a lot of couples. Look at the house prices – If your partner’s parent’s house is only worth half as much as a year ago is it still really worth hanging around?”

As an extra bonus I’m going to write 5 minutes of new material each day about Scotland and/or Scottish history for my forthcoming Radio 4 comedy series (first episode will be record at The Pleasance Cabaret Bar on Thursday 20th August).

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Cleanin' Out My Closet

Tonight Matthew, I'm going to be ...... Eminem.

Yes I'm cleanin' out my closet. I've got a new Radio 4 series coming out later this year ("Jo Caulfield Won't Shut Up!") so I've been sitting at the PC writing, writing, writing. During a coffee-break I went through some old files and found a stack of lines/jokes/thoughts that never quite made the grade.

I’m going to boycott the Olympics, nothing to do with Tibet, I just don’t like fencing and dressage.

I got my Granny a book for her birthday. I said I got it from Amazon. She said … “Oh that’s an awful long way to go for a book.” (True Story)

I’ve just heard that The Scissor Sisters aren’t really sisters, and Shakespeare Sister aren’t really sisters, and Twisted Sister aren’t really Sisters – I’m telling you, it’s making me look at my sister in a whole different light.

Cat insurance costs £5 per month, while household insurance costs £10 per month. So I’ve transferred all my possessions into my cats name. Result? I’m £5 better off each month and Tiddles has qualified a platinum Discovery card.

I just got my first Christmas card. It’s a picture of an Easter Bunny on the front, and inside it says: Happy Valentines Day from the Altzimers Society.

I’m not religious but I DO like the Vicar of Dibley – so in times of trouble I often find myself asking … what would Dawn French do?

Last night I played Strip Poker … I won two pairs of trousers and a top hat.

Have you seen that Paris Hilton’s Best British Friend show? The winner gets to become Paris Hilton’s new best friend – what kind of fucking prize is that? It actually makes the prizes on Countdown look worth winning.

20 years ago the only people who had tattoos were bikers and sailors, now everyone seems to have one. I predict that in the future tattoos will be so passé and unfashionable the only people to have them will be accountants, bank managers and the populace of Newcastle.

I was in HMV record shop and I noticed that someone had written ‘wankers’ on all the Coldplay CD’s – and when I say ‘someone’ I mean ‘me’. And when I say ‘wankers’ I mean ‘cunts’.

I went to my first gay wedding last week. Well it wasn’t an official gay wedding – but the way the Priest was looking at the Alter boys? So gay!!

Searching for cheaper car insurance online is a lot like watching a Guy Ritchie film … it’s long, it’s boring, and there’s no happy ending.

I’ve not made a claim in over five years, yet they’ve put my car insurance up – how’s that possible? I think it would be fairer if Heather Mills worked for Churchill – you’d still get the old dog saying “Yes, Yes, Yes” but at least you’d know they just want your money.

Have you noticed that more women than men go into the ‘drug mule’ business? Is it because men don’t like to use condoms?

Differences between CSI Miami and the Bill: Comparing CSI Miami with The Bill is like comparing Jonathan Ross with his brother Paul.

This morning I went into Computer World and bought some more memory – for my Granddad.
I'll add some more next week. BTW if you think any of them are worth saving/re-working, please feel free to tell me.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Crave Magazine Interview

The nice people at Crave Magazine ( www.cravewomen.co.uk ) asked me to answer some questions. Don't know when it goes out but it went something like this...

JO CAULFIELD – FOR CRAVE MAGAZINE

For readers who don't know you, how would you introduce yourself?
What do you mean you don’t know me!!!
Okay, I’m a Stand-Up comedian and have my own Radio 4 comedy show – the critically acclaimed “It’s That Jo Caulfield Again”. I’m often on programmes like “Mock the Week” and “Have I Got News For You”, and I was recently nominated as one of The 100 Greatest Stand-Ups (Channel4).

Big new project?
Have a new Radio 4 series to write (“Jo Caulfield Won’t Shut Up…”) and possibly a tour later in the year.

Ambition?
To be happy in what I’m doing.

Which part of you would you change if you could?
My Liver.

Most proud of?
I think Pride is something to be wary of. If you start to talk about your own achievements you very quickly turn into a wanker, or worse – Kate Winslet at the Golden Globes.

Biggest ever purchase?
It’s a toss up between my flat in North London and a pair of Rock and Republic Jeans. Going by price per square inch they were both ridiculously over-priced.

Coolest possession?
A personally signed photo of Lauren Bacall. (A friend of mine used to be her P.A.) Or the punk group The Ramones in action figures. But not just action figures, they are The Ramones Bears. Seriously, they are plastic bears with Ramones haircuts, leather jackets and guitars. The only detail missing is DeeDee Ramone Bear shooting up.

Last night out?4
days ago in New York. Drank a lot of beer in Woody’s bar on West 14th Street with my friend Ophira.

Last time you cried?
I’m so ashamed to tell you because I think it is one of the worst films I’ve ever seen…. but I cried at the end of Mama Mia.

Biggest disappointment?
To discover that I’m the sort of easily manipulated moron that would cry at the end of Mama Mia.
Also – British Television. Why do we dumb everything down in this country? America has Law and Order and we have The Bill! What was the point of Lilly Allen having a chat show? Why is Sharon Osbourne pretending she shops at Asda and plays online Bingo? Why is Holly Willoughby allowed near a microphone? Who the fuck watches ‘Out Numbered’? Why has Channel 5 they remade Minder??? Why don’t we have anything that is of the same quality as Grey’s Anatomy, 24, West Wing, House, Monk, Sex and the City, Desperate Housewives, Six Feet Under, CSI or Entourage (And I don’t even like Entourage).

Big love?
Driving in Scotland. Cold sunny days and a cosy pub at night. Shopping in New York.

Biggest influence?
I work in a predominantly male business so strong female comics who have a lot of attitude and carved out their own path. Joan Rivers, Rosanne Barr, Kathy Griffin, Janeane Garafalo.

Favourite biscuit?
Shortbread.

Are you cool?
I am down with the kids, tru dat, so brush me Daddy-o for shizzle – which means, NO.

What is love?
Being with someone who makes you a better person.

Annoying habit?
Every couple of weeks I start smoking again. I talk over people. And I’m always starting sentences that I never fi…..

Your next big news?
Is enormous.

The World is…?
Very well designed. Whoever did it was a very clever, I’d like to get them to do my bathroom.

Secret passion?
West Highland Terriers and reading the labels of face creams in Department Stores.

Tell us a secret:
I’m allergic to Penicillin….. and I don’t know if that’s how you spell penicillin

What did you do today?
Drove back from visiting my parents. Enough said.

Bedtime routine?
Depends whether I’m drunk or sober. If I’m sober it involves large amounts of anti-aging creams and serums. If I’m drunk, it’s the same, but topped off with half an hour of sobbing.

TV Heaven?
Project Runway, America’s Next Top Model, Come Dine With Me (basically any reality show on Living TV) followed by The Wire.

What attracts you to other women?
My girlfriends all make me laugh.

Favourite body part of your own?
I don’t have any part that bears close scrutiny. I’m like a piece of clothes bought from Primark: it all looks ok from a distance but a couple of nights out and I start to fade and get baggy in the wrong places.

I must give more time to…?
Being selfish.

My best friend is?
Adam. We’ve been friends since I was 14. We were the only New Romantics in a small town. We bonded over a love of Boy George and Cider. He is my favourite person to get drunk with, I can’t ever imagine us not being friends.

Describe your sexuality?
No. You describe it for me.

Last great holiday?
Last September I spent 3 weeks driving down the West Coast, from Seattle to San Francisco. We detoured inland to Portland, Oregon and also through the wine country. Every night we booked into a little seaside motel. The motels are great and only about £40 a night. You couldn’t get a B & B in Skegness for that.I can’t recommend it highly enough if you fancy a road trip. Portland has the best independent book shop I’ve ever seen, Powel’s books. It’s also just a really pretty town – think small Boston/ New York but more lesbians.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Predictions For 2009

Everything will get a lot worse, before it gets worse.

In January Heather Mills will meet the exiting President George W. Bush. She will attempt to show her disapproval at his Presidency by copying the journalist in Iraq, and throw her shoes at him. Heather’s efforts will only be half as effective.

With Woolworth’s closing down, pregnant teenager schoolchildren will be forced to shoplift elsewhere. I’m predicting a busy time for the security staff in Claire’s Accessories.

Religion, terrorism and the credit crunch will collide as Fundamentalist Muslim Suicide Bombers have their heavenly virgins cutback from 72 to 48.

Despite being dead for 11 years The Daily Mail will STILL manage to put Lady Diana on their front page several times. Probably on slow-news weeks.

Sometime around March the Daily Express will find their dream story – “The death of Princess Diana is responsible for falling house prices”.

Food prices will go up, Western civilisation will be under threat and petrol will be rationed - but on the plus side Jeremy Clarkson will soon be unemployed.

With Woolworth’s staff losing 30,000 jobs and the Post Office set to do the same, Anthea Turner will continue to misjudge the British public’s sympathy to Anthea “being down to her last couple of million”.

Someone will go on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here in a desperate attempt to kick-start their career, but it will actually be the final nail in their celebrity coffin. Oh sorry, Danni Behr has already done that.

Jodie Marsh, Nigella Lawson and Paris Hilton (or as I call them the Axis of Evil) will continue to appear on UK television and in the UK tabloids, proving once again that British men want a whore in the bedroom, a whore in the kitchen and a slut in their newspaper.

A whale (or a dolphin, or a porpoise) will swim up the River Thames and get stuck.
The Daily Mail will call the whale “The Nation’s Favourite Whale” and launch a campaign to have it saved.

A marine biologist will explain the stranded whale is a native of Japan that must have lost its way here, upon hearing this The Daily Mail will re-christen the mammal “Johnny Foreigner” and launch a campaign to have it deported.

The Government will waste 2 and a half million pounds on a new survey that comes to the conclusion that three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

High Street fashion will continue to be designed by gay men and aimed at 12year old girls. There will be a new rule whereby fame has to skip a generation. Children of Celebrities will no longer be allowed a career in TV, music or film. Goodbye Peaches Geldof and fuck off Lilly Allen. (This is not a prediction, just wishful thinking)

Any suggestions / thoughts?