Saturday, May 24, 2008

I think your FAB but...

The Most Annoying Pop Moments (BBC3)

Most Annoying TV… We Love To Hate (BBC3)

You might have seen me on one of these shows recently?

The first one, “The Most Annoying Pop Moments” is billed as “…a light-hearted countdown of those memorable moments in pop that have annoyed and enthralled us in equal measure”.

While the second one, “The Most Annoying TV… We Love To Hate” is billed as “…a light-hearted countdown of those memorable moments in television that have annoyed and enthralled us in equal measure”.

So I got this email this week…

“Dear Jo, think your fab but why do you appear on all them rent-a-gob 100 Best/Worst/Most Annoying People type shows. You should have you’re own show”

Okay – a couple of things.

Number 1 – That’s not how you spell ‘YOUR’.

Number 2 – I actually enjoy doing those ‘most annoying’ list shows because I like the exercise of writing jokes on subjects I wouldn’t usually tackle in my live shows, and I like giving my opinion.

YOU try giving YOUR opinions, unprompted, about Elton John to the ladies in Waitrose Supermarket and they’ll look at you like your mad!
Well that’s what they did to me.
The first time.
Now they just ignore me.

Of course some people say there’s too many of these type of shows around and they should all be scrapped to free up more TV space for Russell Brand or Nigella Lawson… Mmmmm. Yes.

Anyway I was watching myself on The Most Annoying Pop Moments the other night (because I have nothing better to do with my life) when I realised they’d cut out my profound insights on Elton John.

Which are...

1) If Lady Diana had lived, Elton John’s career would have died.

2) Show me someone who can name Elton John’s last 5 singles (or his last 2 albums) and I’ll show you someone who knows an awful lot of information about bland, meaningless, insipid music.

Not really profound insights, more a long post just to tell you how much I loathe Elton John.

Mission accomplished.

And now my Top 10 favourite numbers between 1 and 10:

At number ten – 10
At number nine – 9
At number eight – 8
At number seven – 6
At number six – 5
At number five – 3
At number four – 4
At number three – 7
At number two – 1
And at number one – 2.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

What would JC do?

My friend Simon sent me a Christian wristband.
He did it for a joke I hasten to add. He’s not religious.
Or mental.
Anyway it’s a bright yellow plastic wristband with ‘What would JC do?” embossed on it.
Do you get it?
JC = Jesus Christ.
But it could also mean Jo Caulfield.

Look, I never said it was a funny joke! I mean, Simon’s not a professional comedian or anything. He works in telesales.

Anyway it got me thinking about a couple of Biblical stories and how I would have handled them. What would THIS JC do?

Lets take the feeding of the 5 thousand with the loaves and the fishes.
Basically, a lot of people come round unexpectedly and Jesus gave them bread and fish.
That’s just sardines on toast isn’t it?
That’s a bit shabby.
A bit council estate.

So what would THIS JC do?

Well, first off I’ve got to say I don’t think much of HIS planning. I always keep an extra pizza in my freezer for occasions such as this.

Or I might give my unexpected visitors the bread and fish but I’d do them with herbs – some lemon and dill. Or maybe rub Cajun seasoning on both sides of the fish and grill until cooked through, about 3 to 4 minutes per side. Mash up an avocado and some mayonnaise in a small bowl, and then assemble as sandwiches. Spread the avocado mixture on the bottom half of each roll. Top with the fish, arugula, tomato and onion.

And put out some olives. People love olives.

Now the other miracle people love speaking about is the whole ‘turning water in to wine’ routine. HE’S at a party, they run out of alcohol - what does JC do? HE turns the water into wine.

Not bad but what would THIS JC do?

Well, I wouldn’t piss about with wine. I turn the water into a huge crate of Bacardi Breezers – that’s a party! That’s what the people want! Rum-based alcopops! Apple, orange, pineapple, watermelon, cranberry … and all 5% proof. That’s a party.

He’s over at his side of the room with the wine and fish and bread…

I’m over at my side with the mango flavoured Bacardi Breezers, the seasoned fish on ciabatta bread, a bowl of olives – be honest, who do you think is going to pick up the most disciples?

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Crimewatch UK

A friend told me a story about trying to throw away his old fridge.

He said every night he’d put the old fridge out with his rubbish but the dustbin man wouldn’t take it. He would empty the bin and take away the plastic bags but he wouldn’t touch the old fridge.

So my friend bought a small chain and a cheap padlock, chained the old fridge to his fence and two hours later it was gone.

He said, “If you want to get rid of something, treat it like its valuable, chain it up and it’s guaranteed to be stolen”.

Well, I’m afraid to say that’s not true.
It doesn’t work.
Because I chained my Grandad to our fence two weeks ago and he’s still there - - almost.