Every couple of weeks I appear on BBC2's topical comedy show "Mock The Week". I prepare a whole stack of topical jokes and some of them don't make the final edit. Here's some I did on the last show...
Unlikely Lines From The Final ‘Harry Potter’ Book:
And at last after many many years ... JK Rowling finally smiled.
And so he looked back on his journey - the orphan boy raised by an uncaring uncle who didn’t tell him of his parent’s importance, befriended by a kindly old mentor who taught him the ancient mystical ways and set him on the path to his destiny – Luke was now a Jedi ... err, I mean Harry was now a wizard.
...and so, as Harry’s story ended the British film industry died.
And so Harry graduated from Hogwarts with straight A’s but found that there wasn’t much work out there for his qualifications ... leading to Harry Potter and The Big Mac Meal.
Despite getting top marks in all his exams, even magic couldn’t stop Ron Weasley from being ginger.
Despite getting top marks in all her exams, even magic couldn’t stop people thinking Hermione was secretly as lesbian.
...and with that the Ofsted inspector closed down Hogwarts.
Questions Omitted From The British Citizenship Test:
How does Callum Best actually earn a living?
Fiona Philips – is she, A) annoying, B) annoying, C) annoying or D) all of the above.
Boris Johnson – should he be A) Mayor of London, B) in a circus or C) both.
David Beckham has gone to America, is this A) great for the sport, B) damaging to the National squad or C) who cares anymore?
It’s Friday night, you have five cans of strong lager, is it A) too much, B) not enough, or C) about right as a warm-up at home while you’re getting ready before you go out on the lash proper?
Worst Thing To Hear Over A Tannoy System:
This is the pilot speaking ... may Allah's justice be swift and merciful as he punishes the Infidel.
Child sick in Aisle 5 ... reduced to 95p a can.
Wembley, please welcome for an hour of spontaneous improv ... Ricky Gervais.
Would the owner of a burning Jeep please remove it from the foyer.
Would Jimmy Saville please report to the front desk where your mother is waiting for you.
Welcome to LA Galaxy, please stand for the National Anthem, sung by Victoria Beckham.
Bad Ways For Gordon Brown To Address The Nation:
They call me Mister Lover Lover.
Is it cos I is black?
The Beckhams Arrive In LA
Posh said she wanted the Americans to love her more than the Beatles … just one bullet, that’s all it takes.
When asked whether he had any plans to join the Scientologists, David said he’s only just joined LA Galaxy and would have to wait for the next transfer window.
Posh said she’d like to live on a council estate - an unemployable mother of three, living with a tattooed shag-about simpleton … she’d never fit in … all her kids have the same dad.
When they asked her to be on the touchline for David’s first game, Posh thought they wanted her to be a cheerleader … in fact they needed a corner flag.
They thought the best way to introduce themselves would be to sprawl semi naked over a dirty second hand car for a photoshoot … dressing like a hooker and still managing to make it deeply unsexy?
Boris Johnson For Mayor:
They’re letting the public choose the Conservative candidate for mayor by text. Have things got that bad now … Conservatives Got Talent!
They shouldn’t let the public decide anything. The one thing you can say about the British public is that they don’t take voting seriously anymore – look at that geriatric Steps tribute act we had for Eurovision, or the mobile phone salesman with wonky teeth singing opera – let them choose the mayor and God knows who’ll we end up with … Boris Johnson probably.
Lewis Pugh Swims:
Pugh said "I hope my swim will inspire world leaders to take climate change seriously," - now I don’t know whether a man in speedos swimming in the Arctic will convince them about climate change, but it might make them think twice about the mentally ill.