Monday, July 02, 2007

Lines From My New Radio Series: Show 4

I’ve been doing a bit of research on stress and anger management techniques…

Apparently meditation is a good way to relieve stress ... but where in London is it quiet enough for you to sit stony faced, in absolute silence ...apart from at the recording of Titty Titty Bang Bang?

Whenever I get angry I take out all my frustration on a punchbag I've set up in the bedroom ... well ... I say punchbag, it's more of a pillow with a photo of Davina McCall pinned to it.

I’m told that some people tend to relieve stress and anger by drinking heavily and taking recreational drugs. Personally if I wanted to spend the afternoon all groggy and incapable of clear thinking, I’d watch an episode of “Loose Women”.

One book I read said the key is to change your way of thinking and turn all your negatives into positives. Like, look at Heather Miles. She gets divorced, that’s a negative, but with the divorce settlement she’ll be loaded. She’ll be able to afford a new shoe for every day of the week.

So maybe that’s what we should all do – look for the positive side in everything. Like…

I used to hate 4x4 drivers for contributing to global warming. But now I love them because the worlds getting hotter and I’m saving a fortune on fake tan.

I was sad my granny’s going into a home full-time ... but I’m grateful it’s not my home.

Kate Thornton’s been dropped from the “X Factor”, that’s a negative ... for Kate Thornton. But Kate Thornton’s been dropped from the “X Factor”, that’s a positive ... for everybody else.

Another technique when you’re losing your temper is to close your eyes and count to 10. I don’t get that. Surely that just gives you an extra 10 seconds to remember other things you’re mad about?
I’ve tried it but it didn’t work for me. No, like Louis Walsh and Ruth Badger on a blind date … we’re not compatible.

(That joke got nothing at the recording! Why not? Is it a bad joke or don’t people understand it?)

Some people listen to the sound of whales and dolphins to relax. That’s strange because we have no idea what they are actually saying. For all we know, we could be relaxing to the dolphin equivalent of Chris Moyles.
I say dolphin, probably more like a whale.


The other day I was driving down Wood Green High St and I saw the man in the car in front of me was using his mobile phone. I hate that. And he was acting so casual, which made it all the worse.So I started beeping my horn and I follow him for about 10 minutes – beeping my horn and beeping my horn. Finally he heard me and turned around – and he wasn’t on the phone. He just had really big ears. And he saw me shouting and pointing at his ears. I felt terrible. What a complete waste of 10 minutes.

Certain sounds set my nerves on end – like someone dragging their nails down a chalkboard – or Ruth Kelly talking.

I hate it when you get a party invite and the dress code is smart/casual. Is it smart or is it casual? Make your mind up! Where do you live? Kilburn or Henley? What the hell is smart/casual anyway? The last party I went to I turned up wearing an evening gown and bunny slippers.

I don’t like charging up electrical things. I seem to spend my whole life plugging things in and charging them up.There’s my electric toothbrush... my mobile phone... my husbands shaver... the house telephone... my ipod… the dustbuster… By the time I turn the light off at night, my bedroom looks like the main runway approach at Heathrow airport.

This letter I got this week…
“Dear Jo, I always listen to your radio show in the bath because the acoustics are better… every time you say something funny, I add a bit of hot… and every time you don’t say something funny, I add a bit of cold… please could you send someone round to chip me out the ice?”

Why do we have to send Greeting Cards? You buy it, you write it, post it, the postman holds it up to the light to check for cash, someone opens it, checks there’s no cash in it, puts it on the mantlepiece for a couple of weeks and then throws it away! It’s a waste of time and money.

I went into Clintons to buy a Birthday Card for my Dad and there were all these cards saying, "You’re the World's No. 1 Dad".
Well, if he’s the number one Dad then why’ve you printed 50 thousand other ‘number one Dad cards’… That’s a big con.

Do you think Step-fathers get a "You're my number 2 dad" card?

Or "you're my number 5 dad. Coz my mum's a bit of a slag".

I bought the card but when I got home I realised the shop assistant had forgotten to give me the envelope.
Have you had that, and you think “oh well, I’ll find an envelope at home I can use.” Never, you will never find an envelope at home that fits! You’ll find one that nearly fits, but it’s always just slightly too big to look right, like Minnie Driver’s head.

I spent all Sunday morning listening to Hard Core Gangsta’ Rap. I didn’t want to. My neighbour’s son has just bought a new car.

Have you noticed that ever since we’ve had customer service departments we’ve had terrible customer service?
But only in certain trades. Mainly anything that involves the general public walking in off the street … bars, pubs, shops … Mind you some people still provide a good service, for instance I’ve never heard of a dentist saying … “Sorry, can’t do you today … I lent my drill to my brother-in-law and I haven’t got it back yet.”

Or an undertaker failing to turn up to a funeral because …“I used the car at the weekend and I’ve still got my ladders in the back! I should be there tomorrow … Thursday at the latest … don’t worry about it, if they start to smell just give ‘em a quick squirt of Febreeze!”

Dear Daily Mail,
Can you please explain to me why you keep encouraging us to use those ‘Energy Saving Bulbs’ - you know the ones, they’re the size of a butchers fist, and take AGES to actually come on.
My wife installed them, and it now takes about a day to light the house to an acceptable level.
You’ve essentially managed to take the concept of lighting our homes BACK to the 1880s. And while I’m at it can you please speak to Richard Littlejohn about his lazy journalism. Every week without fail he ends his column with the expression ‘They should lock him up and throw away the key’. Is he really that stupid? I thought it was common knowledge that prisons don’t have keys anymore. He should end his columns with ‘I hope they lock him up and forget the pin number’.
Yours sincerelyMister J Caulfield. (Retired)

I don’t like bidets. Every time we go abroad there’s always a bidet in the bathroom. I’ve never used it. I don't know anyone who knows how to use it. Even if I did know someone who knew how to use it, I don't think I would want them to show me how to use it. "Okay Mum, I get the idea. God! Stop it. You'll put your back out!"

I’m fed up with switching on TV and seeing the ridiculous combination of pretty young female presenter next to out-of-shape knackered old man. It’s like Hugh Hefner’s running the BBC.

We’ve had Fearne Cotton and Terry Wogan, Melanie Sykes and Des O’Connor, Eammon Holmes and that thin Scottish girl with the slight speech impediment.

Every time I see Bruce Forsyth and Tess Daly, I think, “She doesn’t look like his co-presenter, she looks like his nurse.”

And which magazine editor decided that we were all interested in Paris Hilton?
Every time I open a magazine I see pictures of Paris Hilton.
Why? What’s the point to her?
She clearly has more money than sense.
But then again, if she only had 20pence, she’d still have more money than sense.

Everybody’s getting a knighthood these days. Everybody’s a Sir. Even Elton John. I’ll bet he loved that – being on his knees in front of a queen.

Dear BBC Watchdog,
Last week I bought my very first mobile phone. When I got home I realised it did not come with any instructions.
This is ridiculous. An instruction manual is essential as the phone is so complicated. It has email, it has bluetooth, it even has a built in camera. I have no idea how to use it and I have now taken 27 photographs of my own ear.
Can you please contact the manufacturer on my behalf.
Could you also please explain to me why - having bought a ‘car phone’ from Car Phone Warehouse I have been stopped by a Policeman and fined £25 for using my ‘car phone’ in my car.
Yours sincerely
Mister J Caulfield. (Retired)

That joke was like a Magic Eye picture – if you half close your eyes and squint at it you can almost make out the funny bit.

I hate all those singing programmes like How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria and Pop Idol and X Factor. I think I hate X Factor the most because Louis Walsh always reminds me of the type of man my Mother said I should never take sweets from. Well, she didn’t tell me – but she did tell my brother.

I don’t like people who purposefully sit in the window of restaurants to eat their dinner.
Because (1) – They obviously enjoy people watching them eat, which is weird.
And (2) – They obviously enjoy watching themselves eat in the reflection. Which is weirder.

Well, considering I’m so drunk this hasn’t been a bad show.

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