It’s hot in here, isn’t it? I’m sweating like Judy Finnegan at a wine tasting.
I’ve just registered with Friends Reunited or as I call it Stalking for agrophobics.
Not to get in touch with anyone. I just like to check that none of my old school friends are having a better life than me.
Of course they’re not. If they were doing well they'd have enough friends to not need friends reunited!
It’s a shame, everyone seems to be splitting up... Heather Mills and Paul McCartney; Prince William and Kate Middleton; Britney Spears and.... her grasp of reality.
But at the other extreme… My parents have just celebrated their 42nd wedding anniversary.
They actually met when they were at school.
Which sounds really romantic - until I tell you my mother was six and my father was the caretaker.
My husband is a real Pussycat. Well, he scratches the furniture and pisses in the cupboard.
That joke reminded me of that really funny scene in Bridget Jones 2! Oh, hang on; there weren’t any funny scenes in Bridget Jones 2.
I once split up with a man and I said, "I want us to be friends" ... and he said, "Ok, it's your round, and if anyone asks I stayed at yours last night".
Of course the ultimate relationship cliché is that you end up marrying someone who reminds you of your parents. Unless you’re Phil Collins – in which case you end up marrying someone who reminds you of your kids.
My friend Vicky had been chatting to this guy over the internet called Richard and they’d finally arranged to meet. I was very dubious about the whole thing. I mean, who’s a young girl going to meet on the internet? Well apart from Pete Townshend?
I hate all those magazine advice columns – "if you want to keep a mans attention flick your hair, touch him on the arm, put your hand down his trousers"… I hate all that rubbish.
You know what I don’t understand about personal ads – people always mention their hobbies.
Why would you do that?
Your hobbies are the things you can use as an excuse to spend time AWAY from your partner.
My husband doesn't like my hobbies and I don't like his.
For instance, I like French cooking and making hand-crafted voodoo dolls of Charlotte Church – while my husband likes French wines and making hand-crafted voodoo dolls of Charlotte Bronte.
Nothing in common!
It's strange some of the things people write in personal ads.
I saw one the other day – "Single man. Aged 42. Non-smoker. Likes eating, drinking and walking.'
Now correct me if I'm wrong, but if you don’t eat and drink and walk...aren’t you clinically dead?
You can tell a lot about the person, by the paper they put their advert in.
If you look in the Guardian on a Saturday, their ads are always quite gentle, but with a hint of wooliness and quiet desperation: you know ‘left handed social worker seeks organic plumber to help out at the donkey sanctuary.’
Whereas Loot, in contrast, takes the more direct approach, 'Pervert needs filthy slut for spanking!!'
Sorry did I say Loot? I meant Conservative Party News Letter.