Friday, June 15, 2007

Lines From My New Radio Series: Show 3

Ladies and Gentlemen it’s time to huddle up close to the wireless, and get busy with that angry letter to Offcom – because yes, its Miss Allied Carpets 1996 - it’s that Jo Caulfield again.

Sorry I’m a little bit late. But there was an old woman having difficulty crossing the road and I had to stop and …laugh at her outfit.

I'm so excited, it's like Christmas, I'm like Madonna in an orphanage!

Its great being here at the BBC. I spent all this morning playing Swing Ball with David Dimbleby and Jeremy Vine.And let me tell you in the changing room afterwards, David Dimbleby was all hands. Well, I wasn’t there but that’s what Jeremy Vine told me.

It’s a cheap joke – but hey! You’re a cheap audience.

I was clearing out a cupboard and I found my old teenage diary…

Dear Diary, Bananarama were on Top of the Pops tonight. They had Bleached hair and stone washed jeans.I thought they looked brilliant. Dad said they looked like Polish workers. Mum said they looked like prostitutes. Granny said that’s the same thing really.

Dear Diary Karen Bailey and I went on the CND march. It was brilliant, we sat in a van and drank lager from a can. I’m going on all the marches, I love Nuclear war.

St Valentines Day 1984Dear Diary, I am absolutely heartbroken. The man I love is getting married.Today Elton John is marrying Renate Blauel in Sydney, Australia.

I feel so cheated. I will never listen to Elton John again!From now on I give me heart to George Michael from Wham. He would never let me down!

Dear Diary, I had my first smear test today. I don’t quite understand - why did the doctor buy me couple of drinks first?And shouldn’t we have been in a hospital, instead of that cheap bed & breakfast?

You wouldn’t know it to look at me now, but at one time I was quite a hardcore punk, with blue hair and an obsession with safety pins. Which, disturbingly, is now quite a good description of my mother.

I found a box of my old cassette tapes – there was Gary Glitter, Michael Jackson, Jonathon King, Pete Townshend, R Kelly… and this! I taped one of my very first standup shows...

Can you hear me at the back? Said Ulreka Jonnson’s gynaecologist.

It’s good to be here. I drove up from London. I think it gave the driving instructor a bit of a shock. I think he was expecting the same old ‘once-around-the-block’ routine.

I come from a very small town. The local taxi driver doesn’t have a car. He has a BMX bike.It’s ten pence per mile. Or fifteen if it’s uphill.

And it’s a very ugly town. In fact it’s so ugly, it’s twinned with every single member of the Sugarbabes.

I got another letter from my bank manager this morning. I don’t know why he bothers, I’ve told him a hundred times – I’ve got a boyfriend!

When I was about thirteen, I was given 'The Daily Mail Book for Girls'. Can you imagine getting that now? "Judith walked into her bedroom to find two illegal immigrant teddy bears raiding her dolls house".

Or the Famous Five. Imagine writing an adventure story about five famous children now. 'Chapter Four: Daniel Radcliff goes to Chinawhites'.

Apparently they’re trying to revive the Famous Five for a modern audience and I’ve got the first storyline here: The Five discover that Kirren Island is being used as a US detention centre for Islamic terror suspects. Apparently it all kicks off when it’s leaked that Uncle Quentin and Aunt Fanny knew what was going on all along, and there’s further controversy when it’s revealed that Timmy the Dog’s been ‘sexed up’.

I remember when I was at school we had to read George Orwell. I love George Orwell – Animal Farm was great, but – you know - it’s not as good as Babe.

Teenage girls don’t really read nowadays, do they? They’re into other things – like ipods, and texting and self harm.

I could never bring myself to self harm as a teenage- I did once over-pluck my eyebrows, but I don't think that counts.

Mind you if I had to listen to Avril Levine all day, I think I'd start cutting myself.

I also read "Lord Of The Rings" – lots of angry people fighting each other in beautiful countryside ... but I suppose it prepared me for my first visit to Scotland!

Stephen King – I used to read Stephen King books when I was younger ... if you're not familiar with them, they're Horror stories ... although if you live in Kettering you might think they're a fantasy.

Have you ever been to a Car Boot Sale? It’s a whole different world. I mean, it looks the same as this world – but without soap. Or toothpaste. Or deodorant.

It’s like a plane full of Chavs has crashed into a school playground. “Hey, how much for this suitcase? Twenty quid! Come on, it's on fire! I'll give you ten.”

The whole car boot sale experience is so depressing. It’s like hundreds of people have gathered together and erected little displays depicting their tragic little lives so far.

And the amazing thing is – other people are buying this junk!
Proving once again that one man’s rubbish is another man’s treasure. Providing the second man is a tramp. Or Paris Hilton. Same thing really.

But now thanks to the internet there’s a whole new way to deal with all your old crap… It’s called Ebay! Or as I call it – www dot Steptoe and son dot com.

My husband once tried to sell a pair of Robert Kilroy-Silk's boxer shorts on Ebay. But the listing was removed because it's illegal to sell underwear on Ebay. Or Nazi paraphernalia.

Apparently a good way to make money is through collecting celebrity memorabilia.
For example on Ebay John Lennon’s autograph is selling for £600 because he’s no longer with us – while Ringo Starr’s autograph is only selling for £20 because he’s still alive.So this morning I logged on – and I bought Ringo Starr’s autograph, a map of Ringo Starr’s house - and a hunting rifle.

I was watching the news the other day and they showed a Picasso painting being sold - and when the auctioneer said, ‘Sold for £20 million pounds!’ everyone in the room clapped! They were clapping someone for shopping.You don’t get a round of applause for buying something.When I buy a new T-shirt from Kookia I don’t get a round of applause! I don’t get a standing ovation. And I should get one. I deserve it. For finding something wearable in amongst all that hippy tat!

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Lines From My New Radio Series: Show 2

It’s hot in here, isn’t it? I’m sweating like Judy Finnegan at a wine tasting.

I’ve just registered with Friends Reunited or as I call it Stalking for agrophobics.

Not to get in touch with anyone. I just like to check that none of my old school friends are having a better life than me.

Of course they’re not. If they were doing well they'd have enough friends to not need friends reunited!

It’s a shame, everyone seems to be splitting up... Heather Mills and Paul McCartney; Prince William and Kate Middleton; Britney Spears and.... her grasp of reality.

But at the other extreme… My parents have just celebrated their 42nd wedding anniversary.
They actually met when they were at school.
Which sounds really romantic - until I tell you my mother was six and my father was the caretaker.

My husband is a real Pussycat. Well, he scratches the furniture and pisses in the cupboard.

That joke reminded me of that really funny scene in Bridget Jones 2! Oh, hang on; there weren’t any funny scenes in Bridget Jones 2.

I once split up with a man and I said, "I want us to be friends" ... and he said, "Ok, it's your round, and if anyone asks I stayed at yours last night".

Of course the ultimate relationship cliché is that you end up marrying someone who reminds you of your parents. Unless you’re Phil Collins – in which case you end up marrying someone who reminds you of your kids.

My friend Vicky had been chatting to this guy over the internet called Richard and they’d finally arranged to meet. I was very dubious about the whole thing. I mean, who’s a young girl going to meet on the internet? Well apart from Pete Townshend?

I hate all those magazine advice columns – "if you want to keep a mans attention flick your hair, touch him on the arm, put your hand down his trousers"… I hate all that rubbish.

You know what I don’t understand about personal ads – people always mention their hobbies.
Why would you do that?
Your hobbies are the things you can use as an excuse to spend time AWAY from your partner.
My husband doesn't like my hobbies and I don't like his.
For instance, I like French cooking and making hand-crafted voodoo dolls of Charlotte Church – while my husband likes French wines and making hand-crafted voodoo dolls of Charlotte Bronte.
Nothing in common!

It's strange some of the things people write in personal ads.
I saw one the other day – "Single man. Aged 42. Non-smoker. Likes eating, drinking and walking.'
Now correct me if I'm wrong, but if you don’t eat and drink and walk...aren’t you clinically dead?

You can tell a lot about the person, by the paper they put their advert in.
If you look in the Guardian on a Saturday, their ads are always quite gentle, but with a hint of wooliness and quiet desperation: you know ‘left handed social worker seeks organic plumber to help out at the donkey sanctuary.’
Whereas Loot, in contrast, takes the more direct approach, 'Pervert needs filthy slut for spanking!!'
Sorry did I say Loot? I meant Conservative Party News Letter.