Sky Magazine Interview July 2010

Just did this long, long, long interview for Sky Magazine (no, I've never heard of it either) - if there's anything else you really want to know about me please feel free to make it up.

Name: Josephine Caulfield

Age: 21 (and has been for some time)

Where were you born? I was born in St Asaph, N.Wales to Irish parents, my Dad is from Belfast and my Mum is also from Armagh.
I was brought up mainly around the East Midlands; Derbyshire, Nottingham and Rutland. My Dad was in the Forces so we moved around a lot; we also lived in Wiltshire, Norfolk (twice) and London. When people ask me where are you from I never know quite what to say.

Where and who do you live with now?
I live in London with my husband but there could be a change soon. I mean changing where we live, not changing my husband.

Did you dream of being a stand up comic? Or was it something you realised you were good at later in life? I had loved Dave Allen as a kid, I must have been a strange little girl, I totally indentified with this man sitting on a high stool telling stories and drinking whisky. I thought I’d like to do ‘something funny’ but there was no such thing as a career in Stand-Up comedy, I didn’t even think about actually doing it. I'd only been to a comedy club once before I did my first open spot.

Were you a funny child? I used to do impressions for my Mum of all her friends. So I was either a funny child or a highly obnoxious child.

What inspired you to become a comic? When I realised that you could just go along to a comedy club and just ask to do 5 minutes, there were no exams or qualifications needed. I couldn’t believe how accessible the entry into comedy was.
It seemed to be a meritocracy, if I made people laugh then the promoters would book me. Simple.
bviously I was an idiot and hadn’t thought through the reality. I spent several years driving up and down the country doing 5 minutes, getting yelled at by the audience and NOT getting paid.

Was it hard for friends and family to accept, especially being a woman? Most people close to me just thought, “Oh is that what she’s doing this week”.
I had drifted in and out of different jobs since I was 17. I’d been a waitress, a restaurant manager, a chambermaid, worked in a cocktail bar, several pubs, I’d had a stall at the, since demolished, Kensington Market, I was a drummer in a Rockabilly band, I opened a vintage clothes shop and I made and sold reproductions of 50’s clothes at Rock ‘n’ Roll weekenders. Comedy seemed relatively sensible in comparison.

Did you have any icons who inspired you, male or female? Growing up it was Dave Allen, Billy Connolly, and Les Dawson. Then I stared to listen to comedy records and watch videos. Derek and Clive, Joan Rivers, Richard Pryor, Steve Martin these were not the traditional comedians that were on TV – these seemed like real people, just talking and swearing. That’s the first time I started thinking –“Well I can do talking and swearing”. Then I saw Eddie Izzard doing a show, I think he’d just done very well in Edinburgh, my friend was really keen to see him but I’d never heard of him. I was blown away – it was like he was your mate just talking to you. I’d never experienced anything where there was absolutely no fourth wall. I think that’s when I really fell in love with Stand-Up.
I was also a huge fan of French and Saunders and Victoria Wood. My friends and I knew their sketches off by heart, French and Saunders doing the two teenage schoolgirls on the bus, hilarious! There are lines that are in my head, and still make me laugh; Julie Walters is dancing round this totally uninterested man and says “42 and no bra, not bad eh?”

What was it like trying to make it as a stand-up?
You have to get on stage as much as you can. I would regularly do things like drive all the way from London to Sheffield to do 5 minutes.
I found comics very encouraging and helpful; being female probably went in my favour as I wasn’t seen as a direct threat. I wasn’t another middle class white man entering a profession already packed with middle class white men.

What does it take to make it as a woman in the industry or indeed to become a successful stand-up at all? Just work on being as funny and original as you can. You can’t think about the female thing- I’m a woman that’s not going to change. I do try not to dress too provocatively, it distracts from the comedy. But that’s the same if you’re a business woman; if you want to be judged on what you say, don’t get your tits out.
I only do that with close friends after too much wine. So, quite often.
You also have to like the lifestyle, some people don’t like travelling and staying in hotels. I love hotels, someone cleans up after you – what’s not to like! I also have a very supportive husband, well he’s supportive, or he actually likes me going away all the time..............I’m never quite sure.

You’ve written for other people’s shows, what are they? I wrote on 7 series for Graham Norton.

Do you ever feel jealous for the credit that they get when they are your jokes? No because they still have to have the skill to tell it well. Just because you give someone a funny joke doesn’t mean it will end up being being funny when they say it................mentioning no names, Anne Robinson

Edinburgh Fringe- You’re a regular now, do you still love it? I love the city, it’s so beautiful, walking along the Royal Mile at night is like being drunk in Fairyland.
The atmosphere at the Festival is amazing, you have the weirdest nights meeting strangers from all over the world, and they all love comedy and alcohol of perfect.
At the moment I’m working out my new show for this year, “Cruel To Be Kind”, having to come up with a new hour every year keeps me excited and creative. I’m at the point now with this show that I’m really looking forward to doing it.
You are always trying to get better. To me there’s no point where you say: That’s it, I’m now the best comedian I can be. It’s like being a musician, you're constantly trying new things, not just in terms of material but in the way you perform. I do a lot more acting out and voices now than I used. I also like mixing up styles, doing stories and rants with one-liners. Like, I have a story about my Granny but I also put in a silly one liner...
“I took my Grandmother along to the Antiques Road Show when it came to her town. They said she’s very old - but not worth anything.”

Is it better to have a live audience with who you can see responses? This may sound a bit grandiose but you get amazing moments in live comedy. Moments where it’s all about the people there, in that room, on that night. I love seeing people nudging their friends and partners in recognition over something I’ve said. It’s a little chink of warmth and humanity in a world of packaged, cynical entertainment. Yeah, I was right that did sound grandiose!

Do you ever still get nervous? Is it different when you have new material? I always get an adrenalin rush going on stage. The best and worst thing about Stand-Up is that it is never the same; you can’t take it for granted. Certain nights things can just take off and you can write a whole new bit right on stage. That’s an amazing feeling.
New material is jumping into the unknown, there’s no other way of finding out whether it’s funny than saying it in front of an audience. You just have to jump. Sometimes you land in shite. There’s just a roomful of people staring at you saying “No Jo, we’ve never thought that”.
Or sometimes I rant on about a talentless celebrity only to find that no one else finds Amanda Holden as annoying as I do. Come on people? She is, isn’t she?
Although I got a good reaction the other night to this new bit:
“I saw a picture of Jordan in Heat magazine, she looked good. She’d obviously had a bit of work done. She’d had her paws clipped and her tail docked.”

Speaking of live audiences, you have your own radio show on Radio4, what was that like and how did it come about? Caroline Raphael who commissions comedy at Radio 4 came to my show at the Edinburgh Festival. I didn’t know what she looked like or even that she had come to see me.
There was a woman sitting in the front row and I had a bit of banter with her, I believe I called her a slut or worse. Then I asked what she did for a living and she said “I’m the commissioning editor for Radio 4”- cue huge laugh from the audience! So that’s how you get a radio show kids – insult the commissioning editor.

You met your husband at a comedy club? Was he bowled over by your sense of humour? I doubt it as he saw me on about my 5th gig and I was rubbish, we actually bonded over music. I also loved his accent; I have a thing about wiry, argumentative Scotsmen. My husband never talks behind people’s backs, no, he tells everyone to their face

You’ve written, done stand-up and acted. What do you prefer? I would love to do more acting. It’s nice to not have to write all the words yourself; and it’s fun to work with other people. I also like that people do your make up and bring you tea. They say things like “Jo, if you don’t mind we’re ready for you now”. If I don’t mind! You’re employing me; of course I don’t mind doing the thing that you have paid me to do.
Over the last couple of years I have started writing sitcoms scripts. Learning the structure was a real challenge at first. There’s so much more involved than writing stand-up, I would write a really funny scene and then realise that it was half an hour long. Now, I feel I’ve cracked how to do story lines and I’m enjoying the process – I’m no longer thinking, “How am I going to get these people to shut up and get into another scene”.
But stand-up is so wonderfully self-contained. It’s my own little business, just me and my car and I can work. I hope to be doing it for ever; I see no reason to stop. George Carlin got better and better with age.

You were recently on Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow, what was that like? Did you speak much? Do you like his humour? The first time I worked with Michael in a comedy club I thought “Where’s he come from?” Most new comics you’ll see struggling for a few years and then getting gradually better. Michael started as a fully formed comic. He was really good immediately. I liked his stuff because we are quite similar in some of our subject matter; we’re both observational with a twist. We both deal with the frustrations of everyday life.
He’s also good company and funny in real life. I also like that wobbly head thing he does – makes me laugh every time.
I think the Comedy Roadshow has done a lot for Stand-Up Comedy in Britain. Michael brought comedy to a new audience. He made it mainstream in a good way; he’s doing inventive, smart comedy that has mass appeal. The show also introduced comedians like me to this new audience.

You’ve worked a lot with Graham Norton too, what was that like? Graham Norton was brilliant to write for. I couldn’t believe I got paid to laugh all day, I think the only time we really concentrated was when were deciding what to order for lunch.
He also gave me my first break, we’d met on the comedy circuit and when he got his Channel 4 show he got me in to do the studio warm-up. They had trouble finding writers that suited Graham, I’d never written for anyone other than myself but they gave me a trial run as a writer. It just clicked and I wrote jokes for him for the next 7 years!

Quite a few comedians say that they aren’t funny in real life, in fact quite the opposite. What would you say you are like? I like making people laugh whether I’m on stage or not. I was like that in whatever job I had, I think most people are. How are you going to get through the next shift; by having a laugh.

What would you have done if you hadn’t made it? I’ve absolutely no idea; I’ve always had a job so I would be doing something. I might have moved to America, I thought about it before I did comedy, living in a clapper- board house on the beach, maybe solving crime.............I think that’s actually the TV show Harry O; yeah, I would have liked that.

Are there any comedians you love to watch? Chris Rock, Todd Barry, Louis CK, Dylan Moran, Ed Byrne, Wanda Sykes.
There’s lots of British comics that I like too but it’s hard to pick out people for a special mention, without pissing off a load of other people. I think we have some extremely funny and exciting comics on our circuit. And most people have a good attitude; they are passionate about it and work hard. I was on Michael McIntyre’s Comedy Roadshow with Jon Richardson, Mickey Flannagan and Lloyd Langford, that’s a great bill, they’re a good example of what I like, they’re all smart, funny and original. If they come to a town near you – go and see them.
Just realised I haven’t mentioned any women as I'm often the only woman on the bill. I saw Rosie Willoughby the other night she was great. Also Kitty Flanagan and Marian Pashley always crack me up. Marian’s from Hull, that accent with really funny lines is a great combination.

Do you watch comedy on TV or something else? I am a sucker for reality shows, The Real Housewives of Orange County, The Real Housewives of New York, Coach Trip, Holiday Showdown; that’s what I’ll watch to wind down after a gig. I also like The IT Crowd and The American Office.
I am still in withdrawal from Mad Men. Such great television. When will Britain make TV like that?

ENDS Thank you!

What's Been Keeping Me Sane (June 2010)

RAY MANZAREK - The Doors: Myth and Reality

This is excellent. Keyboard player Ray Manzarek telling the story of The Doors and their music. The guy is 70 years old but talks with incredible energy and enthusiasm. He’s "a head, a hipster, a coooool dude man” – that’s the way he talks, it’s hilarious, joyful and incisive. He talks about the first time he heard Chicago blues as a kid - “Wow man, that sound! What is that? It’s like a snake man, like a snakey sexy snake....it totally blew my cosmic mind, man.”

It's cut up with his keyboards and sounds of the time – it’s so much more than just a man reading a book.

In these X Factor times it’s nice to come across someone with integrity, it was never about fame and money, it was about the music and the work. The secret to a happy life. Yeah man...........open up your mind, break on through to the other side man. (You'll be talking like that for the rest of the day!)

Worth hearing just for his story about the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame asking him if he had Jim Morrison’s leather pants. "Why would I have Jim Morrison's pants? Go fuck yourself!" Brilliant, had me laughing out loud.

On the same theme of people who don’t compromise and manage to survive the vanities and madness of Rock and Roll I watched the Peter Bogdanovich directed TOM PETTY AND THE HEARTBREAKERS documentary.

I’d been meaning to buy it for ages and then it was shown on BBC 4 the other night. It’s over 4 hours long so I thought I’d watch about an hour and record the rest but I ended up watching the whole thing straight through.

I love Tom Petty anyway, that whole rock ’n’ roll Americana, singing about the underdog and Fuck The Man music – (that’s what I call it anyway, not really a catchy name for a genre!)

But watch it, it's the classic story of a band getting ripped off by the music business story and how Tom Petty fights back – and wins.

And there's footage from his childhood right the way through to the first days of his getting into music – how come all Americans have film of themselves as kids – this was the fifties! They keep saying he’s from a poor family but in America that means your Dad has a cine camera.

Favourite Tom Petty songs: Breakdown, Anything That’s Rock ‘n’ Roll, American Girl, I Need To Know, Listen To Her Heart, Here Comes My Girl, The Waiting………(A stupid list to start – clearly I like a lot of his songs)

THE URBAN VOODOO MACHINE

Do yourself a big favour and go buy/ download/ steal this album. Go to their MySpace page and watch the videos. Why can't all music sound like this?

It's like Latin Rhythmed 60's Garage Rock-a-billy Madness - all my favourite sounds by the way.

'Always Out', 'Orphan's Lament', 'Down By The River', 'Two Ships'... go listen.

What else has been keeping me sane?

MOONDOG: H'ART SONGS

Wikipedia says: Moondog was the pseudonym of Louis Thomas Hardin (May 26, 1916 – September 8, 1999), a blind American composer, musician, poet, and inventor of several musical instruments. Moondog removed himself from society through his decision to make his home on the streets of New York for approximately twenty of the thirty years he spent in the city. He could be found on the streets of New York wearing clothes he had created based on his own interpretation of the Norse god Thor. Because of his unconventional outfits, he was known for much of his life as "The Viking of 6th Avenue" ... you can't wait to hear him now, can you?

Start off with 'Enough About Human Rights'

Because I've been guest host on a comedy radio show in Glasgow I've been spending a lot of time sitting on trains , so in no particular order the other bands gracing my iPod this month include: Todd Snider, The Temptations, Amanda Palmer, Gil Scott Heron, Al Kooper, The Fuzztones, Jim Carroll, Stan Ridgway, Nick Lowe and the Mighty Diamonds... all fantastic, all worth hearing ... in fact stop reading now and go hear them yourself. and let me know what you think.

Things I've Learnt On Tour (Part 1)

You know you’re in a bad hotel when:

Claims Direct hand out flyers in the foyer

People smuggle toiletries into the bathroom

The porter gives you a tip!

The pillows are shiny – for the wrong reasons

“As seen on tv” means “Holidays From Hell”

The spyhole on the door looks in!

The sheets are so gritty you exfoliate as you sleep

You don’t have to bother with a 7am wake up call, just wait for the fire alarm

The only thing left for you on the pillow when you arrive is someone else’s pubic hair

You’re in Dartford

You know you’re in the “New Money” Part of Town when:

Golden retrievers are compulsory

It’s a brand new estate – with new roads and landscaped gardens, but everyone drives a Range Rover!

The Big Issue seller takes credit cards

The Church becomes a Wi-Fi hotspot!

They think ‘Footballers Wives’ is a documentary

They have billboards advertising moisturiser for men! Where I live, the nearest a man gets to applying face cream is trying to suck his own cock!

You know you’re at a bad Motorway Service station when:

Gingsters refuse to supply it!

Even the smiley face sign outside the toilets is crying

The food gave the Churchill Dog distemper

It’s an AA meeting point – but not the car breakdown service!

Even serial killers won’t stop there for hitch-hikers

The countdown timer since when they last cleaned the toilets is a sun-dial

You actually wish you’d shat yourself back at junction 4!

Sex, Buzz Armstrong and Carl Zeiss

I'm doing some gigs in Ireland at the end of the month (Galway Laughter Lounge on the 30th June, Dublin Laughter Lounge on the 1st, 2nd and 3rd July) so I did this Q & A interview for the Irish magazine HOT PRESS.

1. Biggest turn on?
A well groomed neatly dressed well-spoken old-fashioned respectable gentleman with clean fingernails who treats me like the dirty slut I am.

2. Ever faked an orgasm?
Yes. In conjunction with the American government, the Director of NASA, 40 camera operators and Buzz Armstrong. Sorry, did you say an orgasm? I’m so sorry, I thought you said the Apollo 11 Moon landing.

3. Your first sexual experience?
I was 16 when I lost my virginity. It was at my brothers 21st birthday party. I was drunk and I didn’t enjoy it…but it was cheaper than buying him a present.

4. The most public place you've had sex?
Youtube.

5. Favourite sex toy?
Internal webcam – with high-precision Carl Zeiss optics, auto focus, CMOS image sensor, light-correcting technology, 5x optical zoom, waterproof and ribbed for extra pleasure.

6. Sexiest song?
Alexandre Song, Arsenal and Cameroon midfielder, scored Arsenal’s fourth goal in their 4-1 win over Portsmouth last December.

I also quite like that bit right at the end of ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ by Queen, when they’ve all stopped and the record’s finished and something else comes on.

7. Sexiest movie?
It’s a toss up between “Schindler’s Fist” and “I Spit On Your Grave” – the ultimate chick flick.
I also quite like watching that film of Richard Hammond from Top Gear crashing his car – that always gets me moist.

(With questions like that who said 'investigative journalism' was dead?)

If I Was On Twitter (Part 1) ...

I always thought my uncle Alan was a timid man who wouldn’t say Boo to a goose ... until the day we visited a farmyard.

I heard an interesting statistic today ... “35% of all school kids have been bullied or threatened on line”. You know what that says to me? The other 65% of my emails aren’t being read.

I’ve got a new mobile phone tariff - I can call Australia for only 5p per minute ... which sounds good but by the time the pizza turns up it’s stone cold.

On the bus the other day I heard someone shout, “I’ve got room for one more on top” ... I thought, “I’ve not heard that on a bus for years – have they brought back conductors?” so I looked round and Russell Brand was sitting behind me.

When a relationship ends people say ‘ the magic’s gone’. Surely that’s a good thing? Because basically magic is deceiving people with tricks and that’s hardly the basis of a healthy relationship.

Sometimes to cheer myself up I’ll text ‘how was the Seychelles?’ to a random mobile phone number. You get a warm glow thinking there’s someone out there who suddenly thinks there life’s not as exciting as other peoples.

I use Friends Reunited to find out the addresses of people I went to school with… then I use Google Earth to see what kind of garden furniture they can afford. By the look of it I went to school with some right saddos.

The recession’s going to split up a lot of couples. Look at the house prices – If your partner’s parent’s house is only worth half as much as a year ago is it still really worth hanging around?

I’ve been looking round houses lately. I don’t want to buy anywhere but they’ve always got the heating on. Fake a bit of interest and they’ll offer you a coffee. And I’ve not bought toilet paper for a fortnight.

When my Grandmother died we sold her house and split the money. The first thing I did was buy a garden shed … well my Grandfather needed somewhere to sleep.

My tip for a first date: if he takes you to a restaurant - always choose a salad. Then if it goes badly you’ll still be able to squeeze out the toilet window.

Why Isn't This Funny?

I was cleaning out the PC again and I found another file of jokes that didn't work. Some were written for the radio show, some for TV, some I've tried live. But they all have one thing in common - nobody laughed at them. They were born and died to complete silence.

If anybody has any ideas how to salvage them - let me know:

Mylene Klass – is there anything that Mylene Klass doesn’t sell? I see her in ads for absolutely everything, absolutely everywhere. They do say that in London you’re never more than five feet away from a Mylene Klass

In London have Oyster travel cards – you get a card, you charge it up with credit and when you get on the bus you just touch it against a reader and it deducts the fare from it. It’s great, it means the driver doesn’t have to handle money … leaving him free to send text messages and masturbate … which I think is now part of the test in becoming a London bus driver.

Everyone I know watches ‘Desperate Housewives’, they’re not desperate, I know what desperate women look like, I’ve been to TK Maxx.

You know that section at the back of a book that tells you about the author? What do you can the person who writes that?

The French philosopher John Paul Satare famously said, “Hell is other people”… which is ironic because I’m sure that most people’s vision of Hell would be a French philosopher – or just a Frenchman in general.

If John Paul Satare had lived in London I think that quote would have become “Hell is the people who stand outside the tube stations, blocking all the pavements, while handing out free newspapers”.

Have you ever noticed the people who stand outside tube stations handing out free newspapers look like they’ve never read a newspaper in their life?

They’re cutting back on collecting our bins, but they’ve put the council tax up – how’s that work? I call it the Fiona Phillips effect – the more you want to get rid of a load of old shit, the more you end up paying to see it every day.

The value of my house has gone down, but my mortgage has gone up – how’s that work? I call it the Natasha Kaplinsky Channel 5 effect – it seemed like a good investment at the time, but now you’re stuck paying a fortune for something that’s doing fuck all to earn it.

I’ve not made a claim in over five years, yet they’ve put my car insurance up – how’s that possible? I think it would be fairer if Heather Mills worked for Churchill – you still get the old dog saying "Yes Yes Yes" but at least you know at the end of the day they just want your money.

Why are the cast of Glee typical American high school kids?
Because I want to shoot them with an M-16.

I’m going to boycott the Olympics, nothing to do with Tibet, I just don’t like fencing and dressage.

You can buy celebrity voices for your Sat Navs now – I downloaded Gareth Gates ... took three quarters of an hour to get off that roundabout.

You know that show “Look Good Naked”, I see they’re doing a celebrity version for Jodie Marsh … called “Put It Away, Love!”

And a TV show for women sick of lazy useless boyfriends … Can’t Cook, Won’t Clean, Then Fuck Off!

A lunchtime chat show direct from Crufts … “Loose Women Go Dogging”

A detective show set in the days of the Roman Empire … CSI Claudius.

My husband loves watching the darts on telly, loves it, he can watch it for hours. He tries to get me to watch – but if I wanted to watch an overweight middle aged man standing in a pub … I’d watch him

I just saw a picture of Princess Beatrice and the paper said she looked stunning – wow she’s ugly, I never thought there’d be the time you’d see a picture of the Royal Family and think “Actually Camilla doesn’t look that bad really.”



Must mention Matt Ross (very talented comedy writer) who worked with me on them.

Me in Central Park, New York with three Glasgow Rangers fans.